The Workings Of A Skeptico

2009-12-15T04:04:00.002+08:00

This might seem sudden, but whenever I am feeling really screwed I find myself coming to this blog. It's both sad and bittersweet in a way, and the reminder of that is why I'm going to post here again.

Have you ever being perplexed by a few things, and suddenly with the aid of someone wiser or knowledgeable, successfully complete the puzzle together?

Then you looked at the big picture, and felt that cold clammy feeling of dread and the slow sinking of your stomach.

I understand it now.

But what you are expecting me to do is impossible. And if I choose to let you go, you will be destroyed and it will be my fault too. And you have probably guessed that given my personality, I cannot bear to let it happen willingly.

On the other hand, I have barely gotten myself out of the rut and am looking forward to a new start next year. There will be alot of changes, and I know that the path ahead will be a life changing one for me too. It will requires all my attention and energy. Yet, you are expecting me to save you from yours. In fact, you are even trying to manipulate me in your subtle ways to reach your goals. This is just like the old times is it not? Memories can go, but some things will always remain.

Sometimes loyalty to your friends can turn out to be a double edged sword.

We are all selfish arent we?

2008-12-31T17:12:00.002+08:00

Last day, last year.

The year wasnt so bad for me really, predictable outcomes, meeting personal goals and expectations and more lessons learnt. Too bad it has to end on such a sour note. I guess home isnt where the family is after all, at least not for me.

I have MOVED.

2008-09-05T16:28:00.002+08:00

Because change is good.

To avoid that horribly annoying siblings, ask me if you wanna know the new link.

2008-08-03T22:40:00.004+08:00

Why am I always so angry?

It's like a fire that never dies.

I'm so stressed out by them.

Is there really no way out of this misery?

Just when I thought things are getting better, I have settled my own thoughts and made plans to get out of that mess, THIS HAPPENS.

They dont want me to continue my education at all.

They want their rewards now.

They see no hope with me.

And I see no future with them either.

I only have one life you know.

2008-07-22T15:47:00.001+08:00

I cannot love.

And I'm not going to try anymore.

Wikisurfing

2008-07-19T09:47:00.003+08:00

Oh no, I think I'm seriously addicted to it! Actually, I wikisurfed pretty often in the past, but somehow I find myself doing it quite excessively recently, sometimes through the night. And it doesnt help that Firefox enables me to right click on a link to open it in another tab so it keeps acculmulating!

In just one night I have read about galley ships to gunpowder to Spanish inquisition to Medieval inquisition to Guido "guy' Fawkes to water boarding to smelling salts to Stockholm Syndrome to Stanford prison experiment to Milgram experiment to The Third Wave to Macrophage to McClintock effect to cloth menstrual pad...and more.

I think my brain is happy to be absorbing so many random things haha. This is more exciting than watching animal porn on Discovery or Nat geog ok.(Now dont roll your eyes!)

I find out some pretty shocking/wth/interesting things too. Like have you ever wonder what your mums and grandmas used before ultra thin plastic disposable pads come along?

"Some women, mostly ones living in rural areas or from a low socio-economic status, did not use anything to collect menstrual blood. It was believed that they left a trail of blood behind them."
-from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cloth_menstrual_pad

What?!

And there is even a museum of menstruation-http://www.mum.org/pastgerm.htm

Which made me realise what those ribbons and elastic strings in the toilet during my childhood were for and why my mother was so angry when she caught me playing with them then.

ARGH.

Oh, and dont ask me how I ended up reading about hygiene affairs of women. I just keep clicking. =X

2008-07-07T21:06:00.003+08:00

I cant seem to do anything right.

Why am I still alive?

They dont care about me anymore.

I'm sinking again.

2008-06-26T14:09:00.003+08:00

Here's something about me.

Sometimes, when you see me with earphones, I might not be listening to anything at all.

Try it in a crowd, especially if your head/earphones are noise cancelling. You will find yourself looking at people and things from a different perspective, and discovering new things. Like noticing the bored expression of someone who is part of a particularly noisy group on the train, the way the crowd move in an underpass during the evening, the struggling strides of a lame trying to catch up...

It's clearer to me now, that most of us dont really know what we are doing most of time. We just try to follow and blend in with the rest.

The other day, I was running after a bus and a pram got into my way. I fell, and the maid just screamed and shouted for her 'mum' to come. Her mum, upon looking at my bruises, told me curtly "sorry, I dont know anything...I was behind and it was my maid who was standing there" before trying to get up the bus .

Have we forgotten how to say a simple sorry? Or at least ask if the other party is ok?

Something's wrong with this whole system.

I hate this country.

Pick me up

2008-06-19T12:53:00.007+08:00

Elephant in your brain
Reminding you you've got to make a choice
Wraps his arms around you slow,
Cause you tense up like an armadillo

-God make up your mind, Cold war kids

I'm at the crossroads waiting for a sign
My life is standing still but I’m still alive
Every night I think I know
in the morning where did it go
The answers disappear when I open my eyes

I’m no stranger to this place
Where real life and dreams collide
and even though I fall from grace
I will keep the dream alive
I will keep the dream alive

-Keep the dream alive, Oasis

You tell me I'm free then you tie me down,
And from my chains I think its a pity,
What did it cost you to wear my crown,
You don't like me why don't you admit it.

I feel a little down today,
And I ain't got much to say,
But your gonna miss me when I'm not there
You know I don't care,
You know I don't care.

-I hope, I think, I know, Oasis

'Cause all of the stars
Are fading away
Just try not to worry
You'll see them some day
Take what you need
And be on your way
And stop crying your heart out

-Stop crying your heart out, Oasis

We're getting high
But we're still feeling down
Gravity has a way of pinning us to the ground

I'm soft, but I'll be alright
Soft, but I'll be alright
Soft, yea I'll be alright

-Gravity's pinning us down, Beulah

The songs I have really have an uncanny way of bringing out my thoughts sometimes.

2008-06-17T10:24:00.005+08:00

How time flies.

Half a year has just slipped away, and yet, I am still stuck at where I was one year ago. I have been trying to move on, but it's harder than it seems. When will I ever get back on my feet again?

Sometimes I just feel so helpless, frustrated and confused.

I dont believe in anything now.
___________________________________________________________________

On something more cheerful, I made my first passable proached egg yesterday! Yay!

Presenting my yummylicious chili shrimp paste instant noodles! =)

See how the egg looks so nice? I finally figure out that the best way to let the egg "float" on the noodles is to do it slowly by pouring the egg white first. It worked! Hopefully from now on there will be no more episodes of scrapping off egg bits from the bottom of the pot. Heehee.

Anyway, the instant noodles really tasted great. 9.5/10. (Because I think I overcooked the tomatoes a little haha) Heibi-hiam really goes well with anything. For those you dont know, that is actually a shrimp paste grounded with chili,garlic and lightly fried till it turns reddish brown. It's quite easy to make and can be used for many dishes, or just simply eaten with white rice. That's as good as kimchi is to the koreans for me!=D

Maybe I should be a cook. Hmm.

2008-05-08T01:22:00.001+08:00

I'm still waiting.

My friends, if anything happen to me, it's my choice.

Blame this horrible cruel world, and my traditional, narrow minded parents.

That was then, this is now

2008-03-23T01:57:00.006+08:00

Save yourself.
Because the only thing that matters
is that you get away from the pain
and the thought of losing your mind.
Don't blame yourself.
It was everyone around you who made you act this way.
There's the stage and your chance to watch it go down.

Don't fake yourself into ever, ever thinking about yesterday.
That was then, this is now.
Don't call it undone.
Don't take what you've been dealt.
You can exit out the back and make your getaway
before anyone can see the damage you have done.

This time is the last time so be here, here now.
This time is the last time. Somehow make it through.

State your case. You've got everyone's attention.
What can you say? Thanks or forget what you've been given.
Take your place. Do you think that you deserve the best of everything?
We don't get why you're here. Can you figure it out?

This time is the last time so be here, here now.

You've got to get away.
Oh, I get lost in the thought of losing you.
You've got to get away. I know it's a dream but it must be true.
Wave now goodbye. It's the lesson that you've been given.
You can always move on to better things.

This time is the last time so be here, but be here now.
This time is the last time somehow.
This time is the last time so be here, but be here now.
This time is the last time. Somehow make it through.

-MAE, This time is the last time

2008-03-15T23:17:00.001+08:00

It's happening again isnt it?

I am going to listen to my heart this time.

2008-03-04T16:23:00.003+08:00

You know, some days I just want to GIVE UP.

I just want to give up on everything, to let go.

I just want to cease existing, to cut myself loose from that web of connections I have made the moment I was born...even the tiny fragile ones.

I want to ignore all the unspoken cries by the people around me, to stop listening to my own fears, my doubts, my nightmares.

I dont want to care. To be that so called reliable nice person for everyone to take advantage of, to make sacrifices only to be unappreciated.

I dont want to be caught in this madness called life, to be controlled by events streaming from your own and other people's actions.

Or worse, to be controlled by so many uncertainties.

I want to find some form of control over my own life, to be able to make informed choices and not be pushed or pulled by external factors.

Everyone is trying to get a piece of me for their own uses, and I'm afraid there's soon nothing left of myself.

I'm sick of hypocrites,boot-lickers, blame pushers and all that bloody politics.

I hate to be exploited, oppressed, to be denied of my rights.

To suffer and endure it all, yet not knowing what I am doing it for.

Please, someone, just pull the plug please.

Where's that glimmering light of hope,reason and good?

~~I cant be the only one.~~

2008-02-17T23:48:00.002+08:00

You know, it's only when you grow older and start working that you finally appreciate your parents. Especially when you start to experience for yourself the manure thrown at them year after year, and probably made the same mistakes too.

Sheeeesh.

I'm not even 20 and I'm hating adulthood already.

Office politics sucks. To hell with those female breed of the canines.

I want to go back to school!

On another issue, I have no idea why you did that or if it's because of some technical glitch. Perhaps you want me to talk to you, and to be honest, I really dont know if I should, nor how should I go about doing it. I know you are having lots of problems now, but hey, so am I, and everyone else too. I just want you to know that you are not alone and there's someone else who secretly wish you well, and wants to help you but dont know how. Perhaps one day, we will find enough words and courage to say to each other.

Thanks AUNTY sheep for the Sweeney Todd soundtrack. It is really nice and relevant, especially if you just feel like killing someone from work.XD

2008-02-09T23:14:00.000+08:00

For some reason that I'm still trying to work out on my own, I'm feeling kinda detached and depressed from the things around me. Perhaps it is just the hormones. Perhaps it is because Monday is coming soon and I suddenly have an attack of I-Dont-Want-To Go-To-Work-But-There-Is-Nothing-Else-To-Do syndrome. Perhaps I am just experiencing my old fears.

Ah, I think I got it. It is DREAD that I'm feeling right now. Dread. I'm dreading alot of things right now, and it is slowly becoming heavier and heavier with each passing moment. Oh yes, it is February now. The time of the year where things are going to get tough and the same old cycle repeats itself. I have many choices I know, but really, what can I do? Sometimes I really wonder if it is truly possible to start all over again. Please convince me, but I have discovered certain things recently that only make me think more negatively of human nature. Is there really such a thing as second chance? Oh no my friend, there never was. Once you had made a mistake, you are doomed to live with it and suffer the consequences along the way. I'm afraid too you know, because I had made some pretty bad mistakes and was pushed away from the beaten track just last year. So here I am, lost and wandering, and I had just found out things which I really did not want to know. The way the system works appalled me sometimes. How hypocrisy and discrimination wormed their way into the heart of it with such cunning is rather amazing. Welcome to the real world, where the ends always justified the means. It is all about the image.

Actually, the above issue has nothing to do with me. But I have no idea why it disturbed me so much. Perhaps we had all been fed too much sweets to realise the poison it contained. Until now. But it really is not my business, so I should just try to ignore it as soon as possible. Such burdens are really unnecessary to carry right now. Maybe one day, when it is in my position to rectify it, I promise to do it with the best of my abilities.

Moving on to other issues, this has got to be the most boring Chinese New Year ever. I know I like to whine about how traditions are really not important and all but I really miss going to my aunt's place for dinner on the first day annually. There is something distinctively missing this year, and I think it might be because of certain changes. My dad, for example, had to be overseas working because his dear bosses, who seriously need some visitings from the ghosts of Chinese New Year pasts, happen to come from that recession pending country who are more worried about losing their stakes and suffering losses than to care about workers' welfare. Land of the free indeed. I bet they jumped for joy when they heard about the snow storm in China.

Anyway, it is really dull and boring this year. To add on, my family is still observing the mourning period for my maternal grandmother so we could not do the usual celebrating. What a shame too, because this year's holidays start from a Thursday and ended on Sunday! To be honest, the first two days were a relief. My work stress chose the perfect moment to take its toll and I was down with a flu on Wednesday, so the extra rest and all the long naps were quite a welcome. But now that I have recovered, I am beginning to see how dull it is. And what's worse, I am not looking forward to work on Monday because that is when my work stress will pile up again! So I better try to enjoy tomorrow I guess. Hahaha.

Oh man, I sound so whiny in the previous paragraph! To give this entry even more kick, there was that tuberculosis (TB) scare on Tuesday. Someone around me suddenly revealed that she had TB last April, which kinda freaked out this hypochondraic leading to a really needless medical consultation. (Mum played a part in this too, and in case you do not know, you will not get TB by sharing drinks,but more likely by air.) I was scheduled for a chest X ray just to play safe but I overslept this morning. Bleah. Which is just as well, for I am not in favour of making more of my cells die, especially after recovering from that cold/flu just two days ago. Anyway, that someone had already assured me that she was discharged from the hospital 3 months ago and was declared as non contagious from the start, so if my doctor was right, I should be fairly safe.

Still, I think I will never share drinks with people again. Miss Han! I really should have taken your advice from the start! This is just too close!

Since I have nothing else to do here and am pretty sure that no one else reads my blog now (which is what I intended), I shall just continue to moan about other things. Let's see. I am not sure if I have recovered from my ear infection. (Kids, listen to your parents and do not ever listen to MP3s on those earphones!) Anyway, although it doesnt hurt or itch now I still get dried yellow stuff around my ears. Yucks, that is just so disgusting. And what's more, this is very different from the state of my ear wax pre-infection. (I shall spare myself and everyone else the details.) Let's hope that things will be back to normal soon. And I will never ever use earphones again! Argh.

Alright, since I have no other things to moan,whine or complain, I think I shall end off this entry from my favourite quote from Sweeney Todd, which pretty much sums up how I felt about certain issues mentioned earlier.

"There's a hole in the world like a great black pit and it's filled with people who are filled with shit! "

Perfect.

2008-01-29T23:11:00.000+08:00

Surprisingly, working at mafia has been quite an enriching experience so far. I have learnt quite a bit ever since I start work a few weeks ago, and is currently hoping that my contract will be extended for another month or two as it has been quite worth it, despite the long hours.

Working at mafia for example, has made me realise certain things such as how to be more careful about one's choice of words,for even one tiny word can hold very different meaning to the context. I have learnt various ways of presenting information and knowledge, sometimes in order to convey the message in a more bearable manner. I have also learnt to react to situations as calmly as possible, sieving through the real meanings and intentions behind a person's words instead of getting agitated or intimidated when the other party starts to react in an aggressive or dramatic manner. Being in HR has also open my eyes to many other things, such as the way things are done and why do they have to be done that way. And I do things that I think I will not be doing next time, like calling up some confidential departments and pestering them to hurry in their clearance. Hahaha. I have also discovered to my surprise and horror, that I seem to have inherited my dad's workaholic attitude and that I am actually quite a perfectionist when it comes to work! Hahaha... but it is actually not a bad thing right? However, my confidence level still needs some improvement I think, though I'm glad to say that it is certainly way higher than last year. Just give me some time and I'll be back on track soon! =)

I am also fortunate to have met some really wonderful colleagues, like this particular forty year old mum whom I thought was only in her twenties when we first met (she later told me that her secret to her wonderful skin is to stay cheerful and keep smiling always!). She shows me, in her own unique way, the importance of appreciating what you have and to always be positive no matter what happen, for it is often easier than you think. Interacting with this wonderful woman has really enlightened me alot about my attitude towards life, the universe and everything else. Heh.

Still, I will say that the job is quite stressful, though for me it is still at a manageable level. (unlike the poor scholars haha) And some good things do come out of it though. I realise that I do like to be kept busy, and being able to accomplish certain tasks does gives me a sense of satisfaction at the end of the day, even though things screaming "URGENT!", "IMMEDIATE" can be quite irritating at times. I have also finally realise the full use of MEMOS. Those small yellow pieces of paper now take a completely new importance into my working life haha.( And they are very good for "decorating" your workplace too!)

Anyway, that's all for now. I will be blogging about my ad hoc reliief teaching stint next time if I have the time and energy to come online again after work. And Andrea! When can we meet up? I really love the emails we send to each other while at work. I think the CO must be very amuse by the exchange by now lol. Try not to do elephant walk around CBD ok?>.<

2008-01-09T00:42:00.000+08:00

And the job search continues. Went for an interview with the mafia just now and gosh, I have never felt so tired, so exsperated after that. The mafia members were basically entertaining themselves by shooting me from all different ways. (I never knew not taking maths can be so disturbing to them) My mind just sank into auto pilot after a while, where it completely took over and I just reply to every question without really going through my self consciousness (which is why I cannot remember much of it now). The sensation can be liken to the sudden splitting up of your personality, in which one side goes "goodness, this is stupid!Why are you asking me?"and the other goes "keep calm, keep cool". The last time I felt that way was perhaps during that trash talk session with certain individuals years ago. Grace, I know what you went through last year now! Haha. It really is a test of tolerance and quick thinking. Well, I seriously dont think I will get the job, but it was quite a valuable experience. At least I was able to keep calm and cool on the outside and smile throughout (though I felt seriously gek and want to cry in frustration)! Haha, I'll be even more prepared next time and will not make random mistakes like saying "stuff" instead of "things".

Maybe I should consider relief teaching.

Moving on, I also realise today that some memories really cannot be erased completely. When faced with a somewhat similar situation, I find myself experiencing the same things as I did the last time. It is kind of weird, because while your main consciousness is able to react to reality pretty normally, the back of your mind keeps reminding you of certain past scenarios which you thought you had forgotten, and that can be rathering confusing. No wonder my mind felt so overloaded after that. Still, as Evelyn, the aspiring-but-now-doubting psychologist told me, memories are part of a connection in your mind that can never be broken. They can only fade away or weaken with time, and the deeper it is, the longer it takes to weaken it. Perhaps I still need more time. Maybe I need to remind myself next time even more strongly that I am in a totally different situation, and that past failures does not determine the present.

But what about relationships? Does it completely disappear with the passing of time? Or does it fade away, yet leaving traces of it, just enough to remind you now and then? (Heehee, so Eve, can you answer this?XD)

Oh, and random note of the day: you know something bad really happen when a normally non expressive guy starts blogging in poem style. Hope you recover with time too! Take care!

New start.

2008-01-01T18:35:00.000+08:00

And it's a new year all over again! Well, 2007 was really BAD, and I hope that this year will be so much better than the last. I did some reflections yesterday, thinking of the things that had occured throughout 2007,all the unpleasantness, the disappointments, and the pains. I'm so glad that they are finally over, and even happier still that I have survived through it all! *Round of applause please!* This year is going to be a completely fresh start, though I will be doing some things again, such as applying to the local universities, taking up temporary jobs here and there. But I'm very sure that I will be able to handle it much better than I did last year, and avoid those panic anxiety moments, the really unnecessary stress and depression. No matter what happens, it's my life that I'm leading right? I have the choice to choose where I want it to go! To hell with all those people who tried to bring me down last year,giving me all those unnecessary sufferings. And that unfortunately, includes my parents too. (If they still insist that I follow their wishes again I think I'm moving out once and for all.) Well, I'm never going to fall into their traps again.

Last year was also the year that I realised who my true friends really were. No amount of thanking and expressions of gratitude will do justice to the few who had stood by me and pulled me up whenever I start to fall, giving me the wisdom I need during those dark periods. These are the people whom I think I will treasure for a long time. Thank you for bearing with all my listless rants ever so patiently, knowing exactly what to say that calms me down, believing in me when the whole world seems to think otherwise. And most importantly, thank you for being there for me all the time, never giving up on me during those moments when I was such an unreasonable idiot that threatened the limits of our friendship. I'm really blessed to know you people!=)

And of course, to those who wish to see me die as terribly as possible while falsely give me "advice", TO HELL WITH YOU ALL. Same goes for those who can go "haha" when I'm on the verge of a serious nervous breakdown. If you think it is so funny, let me see what happen to you the next time when you have problems of your own. Well, thanks for showing me this side of yourselves, I'll be more wary next time.

I'm really missing all my friends who are still overseas. Please come back as soon as possible! Okay, I'm not really sure who reads this nearly-defunct-but-occasionally-active blog, but it's ok. Thanks for the postcard Elaine! And Alicia, dont drink too much absinthe please! I heard it causes hallucination when not properly distilled! Jiawei, you owe me something in exchange for those drug-cakes!XD

And now, the usual resolutions and wishes for the new year: (which I promise to try but cant promise I will try)

-Exercise more to strengthen the heart,immune system and flabby muscles. Of immediate importance, I cant be going to the doctor all the time for being sick so easily. Medical fees are so expensive nowadays.

-Reduce sugar and oil intake. I'm keeping to "No soft drinks" pretty well, because I never liked them anyway, and I dont really eat alot of rice, but other hidden sugar like chocolates,biscuits and cakes will need alot more work. I had been trying to cut down on oil intake,like not eating fast food, but somehow my mother always cook and buy fried stuff so it is impossible to not eat them! And what's worse, my siblings cant live without something fried or spicy in every meal! Argh.

-Sleeping regularly, before 1230am. Well, this is a tough one. But I tend to sleep quite early when I am working so I better find a job fast.

-Get that driving license. Yeah, if things dont always crop up on my theory tests days.

-Continue my education. Yeah, another thing which is of immediate importance. I really really want to study now!Let's hope for better luck this time.

-Be partially financially independent. Meaning, get a permanent part time job or earn enough during the first half of the year that will last the other half. Money is really important now especially with the inflation,rising CPI and what other horrors to come (after the boom comes the gloom you know, as taught in economics), and of course, someone's poor domestic financial managing.

Alright, that's all for now! Hopefully, I'll be blogging more often this year. You know it is good news whenever I blog because that means that my life is not stagnant and I'm moving ahead!=)

Back.

2007-10-14T22:08:00.000+08:00

Ok, so I'm finally back to blog, after such a long hiatus. =)

Time has been passing really fast and I cant believe I actually last till now. Well, things havent changed much I guess. I'm still as lazy as ever and despite it all, the doctor actually told me that I'm too stressed up and have to learn to relax. Haha, I actually get stressed up doing nothing. Talking about doctor, I just realise that I had been seeking medical aid rather alot lately , particularly last month, in which I suffered from some weird form of bronchitis,then a case of hyperacidity, followed by a tooth infection, and if that wasnt bad enough, food poisoning (lesson learnt : never assume papayas are still fresh in the fridge after two days). Bleah. I need to boost my immune system.

My maternal grandma is now in hospital after her blood sugar and pressure sky rocketed about two weeks ago. Things arent looking good for her, and the doctor told my mum to prepare for the worst last week. Mum brought all of us to see her yesterday, and to be honest, it wasnt as dreadful as I imagined the visit to be. At least she was breathing on her own, which I think should be a positive sign. Her thyroid glands were all swollen and so was her body (fluid retention probably), making her look slightly different. Still it was quite saddening to see her in a semi-comatose state, especially when my mum kept talking to her and you could see her breathing faster is response, as if she was trying to wake up but couldnt. =(

On the other hand, with mum having to go to the hospital every weekday, I have been getting busy doing her chores. I think I will make a wonderful housewife by now, cooking and cleaning almost everyday haha. And I also realise that it's not easy being a housewife too! Dont be fooled by those aunties who seems to live on gossips and naps, it's NOT TRUE. Take cooking for example, I had thought it will be easy at first but after cooking for a week I am going to throw in the towel already. You have to plan the menu, buy the ingredients, then prepare them before the actual cooking. and not forgetting the after cooking, which is basically cleaning up and washing all kinds of utensils and cutlery. Plus I have two most unappreciative siblings in the world who are fussier and more demanding than your average in-laws.(Note to self : work hard next time and get a maid.) The best thing that come out from my "housewife internship" is probably the tightening of the bond between me and my mother. Now I REALLY appreciate her better heh.

I'm starting to panic a little for my test on november 3rd, which is like about 2 weeks plus from now. I have only studied the first part and there's still the icky maths and essay part to go. oh well, wish me luck.

2007-07-15T01:21:00.000+08:00

I just received news that my secondary school conductor, Yang Lao Shi, passed away just three days ago.

Thank you Yang Lao Shi, for everything, especially your belief and patience in us during all those years in school.

Sigh.

Life is so fragile, but I guess that gives us all the more reasons to enjoy every moment of it.

2007-06-22T09:58:00.000+08:00

I CAN DO ANYTHING.

2007-06-08T15:12:00.000+08:00

<>soul says:
deluding oneself is one of the sAddest way of living

[P3St] The grass doesnt get no greener. says:
oh you will be surprise at the number of ppl doing tt in the world

<>soul says:
sometimes i wonder whether i m doing that too

[P3St] The grass doesnt get no greener. says:
i'm not talking only abt deluding yourself that you are great, but also those who kept thinking that they are "never good enough"

<>soul says:
i m more of the latter i guess

[P3St] The grass doesnt get no greener. says:
i think everyone in the world delude themselves to some extent

[P3St] The grass doesnt get no greener. says:
nay, it's ok to think that you are not good enough, but dont let it affect you

[P3St] The grass doesnt get no greener. says:
because you have to prove that you are never good enough only because you havent tried

<>soul says:
sometimes wat if they tried?

[P3St] The grass doesnt get no greener. says:
well, there's only two things from tt then...you didnt try hard enough or it is not good enough for you

<>soul says:
how hard is hard?

<>soul says:
how do u noe u do ur best?

[P3St] The grass doesnt get no greener. says:
i think the word is satisfaction

<>soul says:
gratitude

[P3St] The grass doesnt get no greener. says:
haha yeah...

<>soul says:
to love and appreciate wat u have

<>soul says:
we all forget at times dun we

[P3St] The grass doesnt get no greener. says:
yeah we do forget in our rush for perfection

<>soul says:
thats the minus points for having a goal

<>soul says:
in pursuit of wat u want to achieve

<>soul says:
u are just on the journey of wanting more and more

<>soul says:
and we end up so frustrated with our overwhelming demands and wants

<>soul says:
and we think to ourselves how come we r not happy

[P3St] The grass doesnt get no greener. says:
exactly...

[P3St] The grass doesnt get no greener. says:
but there are people like that

[P3St] The grass doesnt get no greener. says:
and they dont understand

<>soul says:
they haven learn to appreciate the things around them yet

[P3St] The grass doesnt get no greener. says:
yes, they whine and complain at all the unfairness and compare themselves with others, all the while doing nothing

[P3St] The grass doesnt get no greener. says:
i think we should all give ourselves a chance to try to make things happen,but to do that you have to appreciate what you have first

[P3St] The grass doesnt get no greener. says:
actually i'm a very unsatisfied person

[P3St] The grass doesnt get no greener. says:
and i still am hahaha

[P3St] The grass doesnt get no greener. says:
cose i think i can do better, and i havent even try

<>soul says:
appreciate that u acknowledge that haha

[P3St] The grass doesnt get no greener. says:
yeah lol

2007-05-16T10:36:00.000+08:00

A bad day is when your MP3 player screwed up just when you need it most. 50 songs disappearing mysteriously yet holding up space in the drive is so not making my day.

Bah.

Time to get a new one I guess.

2007-05-11T10:39:00.000+08:00

To be, or not to be, — that is the question: —
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? — To die, to sleep, —
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, — 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep; —
To sleep, perchance to dream: — ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despis'd love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office, and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would these fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death, —
The undiscover'd country, from whose bourn
No traveller returns, — puzzles the will,
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know naught of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought;
And enterprises of great pith and moment,
With this regard, their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.

-Hamlet, Act three, scene i

I feel so tired.

2007-04-29T00:37:00.000+08:00

The worst nightmare is when it all becomes real.

Dont tell me not to give up while your eyes look away.

And you.

Why do you have to lie to me?

Now the trust we have, or so I thought, is forever broken.

All the best to you.

In that last dance of chances
We shall know each other's minds.
We shall part with our regrets
When the tie no longer binds.

---Fool's fate, Robin Hobb

2007-03-12T11:27:00.000+08:00

"I will act now. I will act now. I will act now. Henceforth, I will repeat these words each hour, each day, everyday, until the words become as much a habit as my breathing, and the action which follows becomes as instinctive as the blinking of my eyelids. With these words I can condition my mind to perform every action necessary for my success. I will act now. I will repeat these words again and again and again. I will walk where failures fear to walk. I will work when failures seek rest. I will act now for now is all I have. Tomorrow is the day reserved for the labor of the lazy. I am not lazy. Tomorrow is the day when the failure will succeed. I am not a failure. I will act now. Success will not wait. If I delay, success will become wed to another and lost to me forever. This is the time. This is the place. I am the person."

-Og Mandino

Ahh, that makes a pretty good chant for the ultimate procrastinator here huh.

Have quite a bit of things to do recently. Firstly, driving test is tomorrow and I nearly forgot about it.(!) Bleah. Then there are all the applications to be completed as soon as possible before deadlines. ~~At least the depression is clearing, it's time to accept whatever there is now, but I'm still hoping of course!~~

After that it will be to work on the project. More drafts, outsourcing and brainstorming needed, and they are still many things to weed out, researches to do and all. Hmmm, well, I guess it has to start from somewhere. Impossible is nothing, opportunity is everything! Haha. (Dont laugh at its lameness ok!)

"What? I think I hit the bottom!"

2007-03-06T02:43:00.000+08:00

The five steps response when in a screwed up situation. LOL. I will say that I am somwhere between stage two or three now. Hahaha.

So the verdict is out, so is the pressure. Sigh. I find it so ironical that it is only when faced with such a situation where you future path seems full of obstacles and uncertainties that I finally realise what I REALLY WANT. Geez. Let's hope things turn out fine in the end.~~Now THAT's bargaining.~~

The gathering

2007-02-25T00:52:00.000+08:00

So another chinese new year came and went.

Such occasions seems to be losing their touch every year, it just doesnt feel the same anymore. To be honest, I had never liked interaction with the older folks (especially from my dad's side) since young and will try my best to avoid any of those forced conversations with them, but this year's topics seem to have fell into no man's land. Even my cousins seem different, with some of them getting "promoted" as parents or spouses (good thing for me though, more money heehee). Away were the old days of jokes and craziness, now it's all about investments, CPF,government bonus, pregnancy and housing loan.

Conversations with my younger cousins had also became a morse code of one liners and embarrassed pauses, and some of them really shocked me with how much they had changed. One classic example was during a family dinner when Busybody Aunt (BA for short) suddenly asked my 15 year old cousin beside me "what happen to your hand?" All eyes naturally turned to scrutinise the neatly cut rows of self inflicted slashes on her arms. Awkward pause. "Fell". She whispered finally, before lowering her head even further. BA was just about to ask more when another aunt (her mother) nearby shook her head. Still unaware of what was happening, BA started making remarks about how those cuts are too neat to be caused by falls when my pooor cousin could not take it anymore and left the table.

Another incident was when BA2 was gleefully telling those around about how another of my cousin went back to her anorexic and self multilation ways again right after the cousin in concern came into the room, comparing her with her other nieces particularly me. (Because we are of the same age) How horrible. Can you imagine trying to act normal and indifferent throughout the whole period? We used to talk to each other but now it's just a polite nod.

Such nice relatives I have. Gah. Maybe I'll go overseas next year.

Sigh. I still dont understand why my cousins are doing such things to themselves and hurting their bodies though. It's quite worrying especially when you have always known them to be nice and happy in the past. =/

I guess people are always changing.

2007-02-06T15:13:00.000+08:00

What I learnt from work so far:

Working brings out the best in studying. You will never wish so much to be back in school again. (Oh the irony!)

People are people. The people you meet in work will bear uncanny similarities to people you met while in school. (Both the good and bad.)

They call a difficult task a "learning experience".

Your parents cant wait to see you suffer, and so it's better to act like nothing is happening.

You live for lunch hours and pay day.

The art of sleeping discreetly, especially before 10 am and after lunch.

From a friend : Temps are there to do the same work for half the pay.

But you do have lots of fun despite it all. (With the crazy collegues I have..laxatives, chocolate elcairs, accidental confessions..LOL)

Everyone thinks you are rich when in actual fact you are worrying about your finances everyday.

You understand why is everyone's cubicle full of snacks.

Some Dilbert jokes suddenly become all too familar.

MSN is your boredom reliever, as well as your phone.

You wait everyday for fridays.

I'm typing this at work.

BOREDDDDDD.....

Drudgery

2007-01-24T16:30:00.000+08:00

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet yeah

No change, I can't change I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
But I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no,no,no,no,no,no(fading away)

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people from one day to the next
I can't change my mind
No, no, no, no, no, no, no
I can't change I can't change it

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Trying to make ends meet
Trying to find some money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places where all the veins meet yeah

You know I can't change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mind
I am here in my mind
And I'm a million different people from one day to the next I
can't change my mind No, no, no, no, no
I can't change my mind no, no, no, no, no,
I can't change

Can't change my body,no, no, no
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down I
'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
Been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
Ever been down
That you've ever been down
That you've ever been down

Bittersweet symphony--The Verve

Week two into my first job and I'm still turning left everytime I walk out from the office, only to crash into the wall with EXIT pointing gleefully to the right. Bleah. And I just cant remember bringing my card with me everytime I go to the toilet, only to end up standing stupidly outside the doors waiting for someone to open from the inside. Gah. So embarrassing. I hope no one notices man.

I'm turning into a bigger geek than ever. DOTA is always on my mind nowadays, and I'm actually planning to buy World Of Warcraft next. Blizzard should be so happy to hear this. Pwnnnning!!!! Anyone who plays DOTA too please tell me how to Deny effectively. Apparently I just cant bear or dont know how to kill my own weaken units before the enemy does. Argh. And I cant wait for a one on one with Chee! (Though he will most probably destroyed my throne in minutes...lolx)

My mother had thought that things will get better after I started work but I think it got worse man. Haha. Somehow I'm always energetic enough to play a few rounds before forcing myself to sleep. Maybe it's all the weird lines my characters will say to me now and then. Zeus, for one, loves saying "You are kinda slow for a human being arent you?" everytime I click on him while Syllabear, the beastmaster, likes to say " I'm awake...I'm awake" Haha. Alright. I'm sounding like some crazy DOTA addict with no life. Which is probably true...XD

Bangs and Pops

2007-01-01T21:58:00.000+08:00

Started the year with a bang, literally. The fireworks display at the esplanade bay was great, well worth the long hours of waiting, the extremely illogical and inefficient organisation, the crazy and massive crowd, and the surreal moments my friends and I experienced.

There's something about watching a fireworks display to usher in the new year that makes the whole experience so beautiful and memorable. It has always been an age old tradition among many cultures to set off fireworks or fire crackers as the new year arrives, an act to symbol the start of a new beginning and the end of all the unpleasant incidents, hardships and sufferings of the previous year. Indeed, that was what I felt as I watched the night sky exploded into dazzling patterns of red,blue, yellow,green and gold, each one different from the other. There were the slow reacting ones that lingered and floated in the sky like some ghostly apparitions, the bursts of sparks in zizag formations that flew across the line which separated the sea and the sky, the golden "showers" kind that fell like rain drops and my favourite of all, the fantastic "multipliers", which kept spliting into individual fireworks after the first explosion.

It felt as if the fireworks were there as a reflection of the expectations, hopes and dreams for the new year from the eager watchers below, a celebration of the big and small achievements made by each individual standing in the crowd during the year, reminding us of how far we have come, how much we have gained, and the anticipation of better things to come.

Luck too, played quite a part in making this experience with my friends such a wonderful one. We had arrived there at around 9.45pm, only to find the path to the esplanade barricaded by the guards who directed us to the closed off expressways. So we were standing there, thinking of ways to get ourselves into the esplanade, with me getting increasingly irritated when suddenly someone found the emergency door in front of us unlocked! We wasted no time rushing in, knowing that it would be closed soon. Sure enough, just as we got in, the guard came and locked the door. No one really knew whether someone had picked the lock of the door or it was unlocked all the while, but we all felt that it was really a marvellous stroke of luck, because without it we would not get such a great view as we did later.

Then there was the sudden drizzle that came at around 10pm. The place was in chaos then, with everyone running for shelter and leaving their positions. Well, we had our umbrellas and ponchos so it alright. Went around looking for a place with a clear view, and somehow miraclously, we found a fairly large space at the front. (maybe it's because everyone squeezed at the back where there was more shelter?) The rain stopped a few moments later and the crowd swelled again, like the water from the drains. More entertainment arrived while we were waiting, with a filming crew from the tourism board waving their cameras around a cheering block of people, and the interviews. There were also a bunch of really entertaining people who started doing the countdown before the actual minute, and all the random slogans.

It was only after the fireworks display that the ugly side of things began. I was very angry at the way the organisers handled the crowd problem. For example, important routes leading to the MRT stations were blocked by guards and barricades. That really did not make any sense because of the inevitable situation that followed--- everyone trying to squeeze through the few available exits. What was worse was that not only many routes were closed, there were also many really silly decisions made by the organisers such as putting a divide in the middle of the paths and only allowing the crowds to move through one side. It was so silly that it was unbelieveable. They also did not allowed people to go back in after they were out of the esplanade, despite already narrowing the crowd outflow. There was a lady who had wanted to go back in because she lost her child (if my friend heard correctly), but she was refused entry by the guard who just rang up for reinforcement when the lady became more insistent. It was just so stupid man.

My friends and I, together with the rest of the crowd, were thus forced to walk a big detour before we could get to the station. The crowd was so massive that some were forced to walk on the roads instead, which still had some cars. The resulting scenario, as comically pointed out by a friend of mine, was exactly the same as the scene from the movie, The War Of The World, where people walked miserably in one direction surronding the cars which were forced to stop. In fact, we were half expecting someone to knock on a car window shouting "Get out of the car!"

Thinking back, maybe it's the spirit of the occasion, the high energy level soaring every second by the pulsating crowd as the hour arrives, or it could be the presence of my friends, the exhilaration and thrill we felt at making such an imprompto decision to watch the display in the first place, I came away from the esplanade with feelings of joy and bliss that radiated from the fireworks into my soul.

It was a truly fun and memorable way to welcome the new year!

Excuse me, are you willing to open the door if there's an emergency?

2006-12-24T02:52:00.000+08:00

So I'm back in hot and humid Singapore, a really big contrast from the cold and dry Guangzhou. Heh. I'm still trying to adapt to the weather here man. My room feels like an oven now even with the air con at the lowest now. Bleah.

The past 11 days had certainly being a fun experience. In fact, I'm starting to miss it already. Well, not really on the place, but more on the memories during this period. I will certainly miss eating dinner everyday with my whole family present, the experience as a whole family again, going crazy with my siblings (Ice cream competition in 5 degrees temperature,daring each other to eat wierd stuff like smelly tofu, "sabo-ing" each other when eating the sichuan spicy steamboat, competing to see who can survive longest wearing only a layer of cotton out of the house etc.), grocery shopping cum exploring with my mum...Sigh. When was the last time my family was ever so close together? ~~And I miss my dad so much.~~

Guangzhou in general does leave me with some great impressions. What I really like is the existance of community bonding and awareness that is found everywhere. For example, it's so natural for the people there to automatically give up their seats to the needy, sometimes more than one passenger will offer thier seats to an old woman, especially students. The streets and pavements are also very community friendly too, with special raised markings for the blind to find their way around, and everyone you approached for directions will give it to you immediately. The number of smokers there is also not as common as in other places where I had visited, which is a relief for my nose. Oh, and the television is wonderful too, particularly to my sister, the TV addict. Heh. There are over forty plus channels to choose from so you can really sit at home and stare at the screen the whole day (which is what my sister did...lolx).

The flight back was kinda eventful in a way, despite it being an over night flight (which I hate). My sister and I had chosen to sit at the emergency door area (for more leg space you know) and we were asked if we were willing to open the door in an emergency. Haha. And I just had to stone for a while before asking the most stupid thing "You mean there WILL be one?" Slap me please. I think I would had been chased out of my seat if my sister did not start laughing before agreeing. Still, it was pretty entertaining to see several passengers hesitating and moving away when they were asked that question. Funny. I would have thought that it will be the safest option to sit beside the emergency door because you will be the first to escape if anything happens right? I guess people just dont like responsiblity.

And it just had to rain heavily just as the plane was starting to descend for landing. Freaky experience, because the pilot's voice sounded really sleepy and the turbulence was quite bad (you know those stomach lurching ones) . Thank goodness we landed in the end. But it was still raining so we had to wait a long time before umbrellas were brought up so that we could move on (budget terminal you see, which I had to agree, is seriously really running on a really tight budget indeed.)

Got a pleasant surprise after touch down too, while waiting to collect my luggage. Sent an sms to Jia Wei out of boredom, and she replied almost instantly to say that she was at the terminal waiting for her flight, which was where I was too, though at the arrival hall. Heh. What coincidence. XD

Well, I guess that's all for now. Had a great holiday indeed.=)

-Oh yeah, brought back alot of duck tongues,feet and dunno what funny parts,smelly tofu and other weird foodstuff back home. Anyone game to try? Haha. -

Brrrr.Duck tongue or dog meat anyone?

2006-12-11T19:47:00.000+08:00

Ok, Guangzhou is cold. Especially during the nights and mornings. Got to my dad's apartment at the wee hours of sunday, and it was freezing cold, especially the wind. My dad had been true to his words when he told us "I dont like crowds", because he chose the suburbans, a rather poshy place at some hill. But that also means that it will take at least 30 minutes before we can get to the main cities.Gah. There goes my personal exploring plans.

Hmmm...The weather report just mentioned that there will be a typhoon next week. Sounds bad. Obviously I'm badly dressed for the weather. Ran to the nearest store to buy some wool stuff the moment I reached. (It's so much cheaper than when you buy in Singapore) Haha. Might have to get more if the weather continues to drop. Sigh...Currently the temperature here is about 12-14 degrees. My lips cracked and bleed this morning. And I forgot to bring my lip balm.=/

Food's here is interesting. Other than the dumplings (at least 10 different kinds at every place!) widely available everywhere, there's also the chinese version of the roti prata, which they call spring onion biscuit (direct translation). Went to the local market yesterday and I saw fresh dog meat at every meat selling place. Some kind of turtle too, and snakes, rabbits... Yucks. Dad went to buy a chicken and they kill it live for you. (To show that it's very fresh) A traumatising sight man. Especially during de- gutting. Argh. There was an egg in the chicken, which the guy kept saying was proof that the chicken was young and the meat will be good etc. Horrible. When we left the place I can still hear the cries of the next chicken meeting its maker.Argh. Staying off chicken for a while. Give me frozen stuff please.

Mum just brought a packet of duck tongue today. Haha. And some pastry made from lard. My brother and I were daring each other to take the first bite. Lol.

Brother: "Why is there bone like looking thing in a tongue?! YUCKS."

Ok, I'm not gonna try that.

Language is a big problem for me here because my chinese is really embarrassing, and speaking english has become so natural for me that it's subconscious. Naturally I made lots of mistakes and many people could not understand me. (Laugh at me too, I suspect. Heh.) I was trying to order a seafood pizza just now and I end up saying Hai3 Yang2 instead of Hai3 Xian1. Bleah.

And the internet here is so sloooow. Gah. Even using Yahoo is so difficult. (Maybe because they scan and censor stuff? Haha.) And dad's lab top reminds me of my school computer. Cant even download MSN messenger.Luckily there's such a thing known as web messenger.Heehee.

Currently I'm reading a really nice book titled Callanish by William Horwood. About a golden eagle caged in a zoo and his flight to freedom. I like the way it's written. Heh. "It's one thing to dream about freedom, but another to be truly free."

Ok, my brother wants to use the labtop now. Ciao.

2006-12-07T00:53:00.000+08:00

There's something really pleasurable about scrambling up the platform, lying down on the sun smothered rocks, feeling the warm heat seep into your body as you gaze up at the cloudless sky and watch the planes go by. Oh, there's the sea too, the motionless ships, the salty breeze and the soft sand...just perfect for digging your feet in...

Oops, I am starting to sound like a salamander.

Hmm. Beach outing on monday was fun. Imagine four people meeting in the afternoon, trying to do everything before dusk because someone got a flight to catch and couldnt afford to miss it AGAIN. Haha. We walked, sun tan, bike, rollerblade, pit stops here and there for water, and end off with a turkish dinner involving a war with a pesky fly that had a strange affection for our drinking straws.

Learning to bike is certainly a painful experience, as I found out that day. No, I did not fall even once during the two hours of learning, but before, while renting the bike. Somehow I had managed to get my shoelace caught into a bike nearby while trying to get on, and the next thing I know was the floor. Now I'm rewarded with bruises all over my legs...some looking quite nasty (you know those black or purple ones that will take sometime to heal). Sigh. But despite the early setback, I'm now able to paddle a few times before wobbling off the bike. Heehee. Nearly there.

And my "really fugly but useful" grass mat is still with someone, who took it home with her while trying to get her friend on time for her flight. Now she will have to be seen with it afterall.Heheh.

After all this time

2006-11-28T00:24:00.000+08:00

Soak the sun
Cinnamon
What went wrong
Summer Song
Splinter snag
Windvein ragged
Faded trends
Summer ends

What's that I thought I heard you say?
Lunarscape and cold winds on their way
Whistling banshee through the screen
Salt air and isolation sting

Melon seed-spitting wars
Toys lost in the sand
Innocence is scorched
Summer leaves its brand

Bat away a hurricane's eyelash
Ushering by the season past
Hinting, dapples pinching through my sleeve
Intimating that I leave

Hurricane remember me
Hurricane watch over me
From this point we roll along
Without a trace of summer song

-Summer song, Carbon Leaf

Carbon Leaf really has the best lyrics man, so beautiful and so sad, often with some thought provoking message attached. The music's not bad too, great emphasis on rhythm made with a unique blend of instruments such as the double bass (instead of the usual bass guitar) in Life Less Ordinary and a nice violin riff in Let your Troubles Roll By. Check out their other songs if you have time. (Or you can just ask me to send you online.Heehee.)

Reality sank and collapsed with a clank.

Alright. So it's over, like a week ago. Everything feels so surreal now, all those sleep deprivation periods, desperate crammings, heart throbbing panic and exhaustion. It's like some kind of interrogation torture, when I think about it now. Some regrets still lingers on though, sigh. Should have listened to them and studied earlier.Now I know that people are not joking when they told me that it will be the hardest exam I'll ever take. Still, it's over, and I survived! Learnt quite a few things and information in the process too. I guess that's what matters the most at the end of the day. Knowledge seeking. That piece of paper can only determine my life so little when compared to the endless possiblities of life.

I will not give up. Even if it means taking the long way.

Another crossroad to choose my path from. Another barrier to break. The journey has been a fruitful one, with wonderful people and mind blowing experiences. Painful lessons learnt, bridges forged and burnt. Insights gained, reflections made. Definitely unforgettable and memorable.

Now we move on, loaded with fresh memories and experiences, ready for the next crossing.

Ready for anything.

BRING IT ON.

2006-10-25T23:48:00.000+08:00

"Repetition in the text is a return, a calling back or a turning back. And as I suggested earlier, repetitions are thus both returns to and returns of: for instance, returns to origins and returns of the repressed, moving us forward in Pip's journey toward elucidation, disillusion, and maturity by taking us back, as if in obsessive reminder that we cannot really move ahead until we have understood that still enigmatic past, yet ever pushing us forward, since revelation, tied to the past, belongs to the future."

"There is in this manner a blurring of plot lines, useful to the processes of wish fulfillment in that education and indeed repression itself can be interpreted as agencies necessary to the pursuit of the dream. Realisation of the dream permits acceptance of society's interpretations, and in fact requires the abandonment of any effort at personal interpretations..."

-Repetition,Repression and Return: The Plotting of Great Expectations,Peter Brooks

Hmmm. Something to think about from my notes.

Very random

2006-10-18T00:07:00.000+08:00

Risk taking.

Just how much risk is a person willing to take?

My brother wanted to use his computer to play a DVD just now when a problem cropped up. It seems that the DVD had been encoded to read region one files, while his computer was set to region two. So he was fiddling around with the options when he saw a notice which popped out suddenly, informing him that he had only four chances to change regions, and once he had used them up he will not be able to change it back again. My brother was stumped.

Me: Why dont you take the risk? After all you can always change it back.

Brother: But that's using up TWO chances! And what if I choose the wrong one?

Me: But it was indicated rather clearly on the DVD that it is region one, and that's USA. Furthermore, even the computer is able to detect that! I think it's rather safe. Using up two chances only means that there will be another two more chances right?

Brother: So? Two chances is alot out of four! What if the DVD was wrong? What if I cant change it back later? That's too much risk to take!

Me: What ifs are only what ifs after all. Why dont you take the risk?It is not like you have only one chance only.

Brother: I dont think I'm willing to do that for such a small thing. That's just too dangerous lah. This computer means too much to me. What if next time I need to change region again but there is no more chance and I'm stuck with this? You know what this means? It means that I can only play limited DVDs from a specific region!

Me: Isnt that the same? You can only play DVDs from a specific region now! Why are you so afraid when the situation is the same?

Brother: But I have always been able to play all my DVDs! This DVD is troublesome lar, it's the problem with the DVD, not my computer. Who ask it to be different?

Me: I cant believe this man.

Brother: I know what I'm doing okay?I'll rather not watch this than to take such a risk that might change my computer permanently.

Me: But it is not permanent wah! You can always change it back! You are such a coward man. So afraid and careful for what? It's not like you are in some life or death situation! Even so, how the hell do you know what will happen if you dont take the risk?

Oh well, I think you can guess what happens after that. My brother, while desperately exploring other ways to get it to work became just as agitated as me. And the simple conversation became a war of words (the "impulsive reckless fat ass" versus the "lousy cowardy pig") with both of us hurling insults the way siblings do. Sigh.

Ahh well.
______

Life can be so funny sometimes. Just look at what happen a few days ago. I was feeling rather frustrated then, after an unproductive day of studying. I ended up in Timezone, spending quite alot of time and money playing HouseOfDead, shooting at those zombies and terror slugs till I felt better . So there I was, coming home happily because I had finally managed to kill that boss after numerous tries when I saw my brother shooting the SAME zombies and little terrors on his play station two while sprawled on the sofa with his snacks and drinks. It turned out that my brother was playing Resident Evil 4, which I think had the same plot and story as HouseOfDead (by the same game designers too if I'm not wrong), complete with all the cheat codes he had somehow managed to install in. Someone kick me please.

______

I think my poor mother has finally lost it or something. She must have had a very strong craving for chicken today, given the three different types of chicken soups and plateful of barbecued chicken wings that appeared on the dinner table just now. How scary.

______

The enlistment letters are making their impact felt.I guess the boys must be feeling so honoured (and secretly glad) to have their girls wetting boxes of kleenex with their salty eye excrement. Soon they will start singing italian opera or something.

One will assume that this is a normal female response but imagine my horror when a guy told me that he had reacted in the same manner while staring at the letter of doom. Not a very pleasant sight I can imagine. I wonder how he will survive his two years of slavery man. Gosh.

______

I'm starting to panic. Time is running out. Everyone seems to putting their expectations on me, whether directly or indirectly. I hate to disappoint people, and most of all myself. Gah. I guess the only thing I can do now is to do my best. =
______

I'm really very touched by those who care. Thank you so much for everything. I really appreciate all the things that were done for me. =)

______

This is my day
This is my song
I am alive what can go wrong?

-This is my song, Carbon Leaf

(Hey, this song is NICE okay?XD)

Dreams

2006-10-11T23:39:00.000+08:00

In the battle for belonging
Every doorbell has its code
With a stare it can be opened
Now you have it now you don't

There are buildings there are people
Walk around and look up to
Every swallow has its season
Every gallow has its noon

By the rhythm of your language
Sparkle in your stride
Talk in riddles or be candid
With a shield or open wide

The lesson you must learn
No one could ever teach
Open up and reach for the stars

Above you
Above you

If you have a way of knowing
Every river can be crossed
Lose the sparrow that had landed
For the one that never was

There's a song for every dreamer
As they climb over this fence
Trading roses for the real world
As the second week commences

To where no one has control
Where the young eclipse the old
Predjudice and wisdom
All the same

I want you
I want you

-Above you, The Whitest Boy Alive

Picked this up while roaming around town with my friends some fridays ago. The Whitest Boy Alive produces really cool indie rock man. Nice music, nice lyrics. What is surprising is that the band had initially come together to produce electronic dance music, but the album is anything but those heart pumping- ear stomping noise you hear at shopping malls. Sure, I did notice some use of electronic sounds in some songs, and the rhythm can be quite dance-like at times, but overall it sounded like a mixture of Death Cab For Cutie and Snow Patrol with a hint of jazz.

You keep your cards so close to your chest
You're making me confused
It's hidden deep what you need to address
If you want it to resume

-Fireworks, The Whitest Boy Alive

I'm addicted.

2006-10-03T09:18:00.000+08:00

I wish I knew how it would feel to be free
I wish I could break all the chains holding me
I wish I could say all the things that I should say
Say 'em loud say 'em clear
For the whole wide world to hear

I wish I could share
All the love that's in my heart
Remove all the bars that keep us apart
And I wish you could know how it feels to be me
Then you'd see and agree that every man should be free

I wish I could be like a bird in the sky
How sweet it would be if I found I could fly
Well I'd soar to the sun and look down at the sea
And I'd sing cos I know how it feels to be free

I wish I knew how it would feel to be free
I wish I could break all the chains holding me
And I wish I could say all the things that I wanna say
Say 'em loud say 'em clear
For the whole wide world to hear
Say 'em loud say 'em clear
For the whole wide world to hear
Say 'em loud say 'em clear
For the whole wide world to hear

One love one blood
One life you've got to do what you should
One life with each other
Sisters, brothers
One love but we're not the same
We got to carry each other
Carry each other

I wish I knew how it would feel to be free
I wish I knew how it would feel to be free

-Free, Lighthouse Family

When I first listened to this song some years ago, I did not really think much about it.

Now When I listen to this again, it means something else, something much more impactful.

Patience.

If only life can be so simple.

So simple.

Hmmm.

2006-10-01T06:11:00.000+08:00

Convenience. This is what our modern world is based on. It streamed from simple ideas meant to make our life better, such as the invention of wheels, followed by the steam engine and later to complicated machines meant to make our lives better. Anything that can spare Man from the gruelling tasks of using their own hands and legs to work, because now there is something else to take over. Gradually it seeps into our lifestyle, with the meaning changed slightly to become "readily available". Everything is thought to be only useful when it is readily available and saves time, ready to eats, instant this and that, bottled and canned, readily made things that we can make use of to satisfy our needs immediately without wasting too much time and effort. It is this idea, coupled with the astonishing pace of our society that capitalises on the greedy need for progress, that the concept of everything becoming replaceable arose in the hearts of mankind. Suddenly Man find himself with everything, in fact, the over abundance of them. He realises that everything has become disposable, to be used at will and thrown away at an impulse, knowing with all certainty that there will always be new things available. He begins to identify with this superficiality, and grow to embrace it as some kind of identity that proves the intelligence of Mankind. Over time, this conviction manifests itself in the soul, and Man begins to take everything for granted, because there is no need to cherish his processions any more, for what is new today might be obsolete the next day. There is always a need for improvement, for new and better things, all in the name of progress and competition. Things are just things.

Slowly,this self centeredness spread from materialistic pleasures to the way people look at their fellow beings. The idea of things are just things has now evolve into people are just things. People begin to take other people for granted, looking at others in terms of how they view things according to their value, whether they are useful, whether they can be useful in satisfying their own desires. On a macro level, this is how the major wars begin. World leaders, with this implanted in their minds, had no consideration for the lives of others. To them, there is no such things as viewing people as individuals. People had become numbers and figures, a small issue which were often taken lightly by them as they concerned themselves with other more major issues, like winning and upholding the pride of the country. The dead and injured meant nothing to them, they are merely people who had met with mischaps in the cause of duty. Fighting for THEM. Men were taught to see themselves as one, as a whole, as a form of common identity, not as individuals. People can be made use of easily, twisted and turned to achieve the intentions of the leaders bent on achieving domination and power. None of them ever thought about how people are interlinked in terms of relationships with others, and how a broken chain might set off a whole lot of other consequences. Take the example of a soldier who died in battle. His death will affect his parents, his family, his friends, and everyone else who knew him. Now imagine this soldier's death multiplied a million times. Of course, this would not have affected the leaders because their families were probably sitting warm and snugly at some safe place while the leaders engaged themselves in this real life major chess game.

On a micro level, because people were taught to see themselves as groups with common grounds, communities, clubs and groups begin to gain popularity. People begin to realise the benefits of being in a group, because it offers security and an assurance of their existence, but most importantly of all, power. Those who see themselves as individuals were immediately targetted upon, evenually forced to join a group for self preservation. These groups strive themselves on offering security and comfort, where people will gain acceptance and feel assured of their own identities, even if it is just a facade. This need for identity become so strong that groups begin to single other other groups who are different from them, whether by skin, race or ideals, and caused wars and discrimination against each other just to prove that one is stronger in power than the other.

On an even smaller scale, the need to bond in our society is found everywhere in our everyday lives, in schools, offices, with people coming together due to common interests or on a darker side, for their own self interests. Sometimes, this desire not to be left out can appears to be more serious with some people, particularly of those with a low self esteem and high level of insecurity. It can become so desperate, that these people are willing to do anything just to be accepted, even if they are not welcomed in the first place. They will squeeze themselves in, contenting themselves that they belong somewhere, they are accepted, they have friends, even if it is just on the surface. Anything better than being alone. And there are some who build relationships with others so as to make use of them for their own needs, so that they will always feel wanted.

Now, I'm not saying that it is good to be alone, nor am I saying that it is bad either. All I think is that it is kinda sad to see how relationships had changed to be what it is like today. We are all there for each other to ease our own fears of loneliness, our insecurities, our fear of pain and exclusion. We just want to belong, to hold on to something that makes us normal, to gain acceptance. What about seeing people as each individuals, appreciating them for who they are, their uniqueness and individuality? No, we see them as things, like how we will view a packet of instant noodles. Lousy design? Choose another. Too spicy? Choose another. Too bland? Choose another. Doesnt fit your cupboard? Throw it away. Expired? Throw it away. We start to pick on every single fault of people, because we are constantly looking out for things that seem similar to us, so that we can identify. Many of us judge, assume and stigmatise, never really looking at the other side of things, condemning someone who made a mistake because in this society there is only perfection. But we all know that perfection is not possible.

Give yourself, and others, a chance. Even if it can be disappointing at times. Hope is what that gets us going.

Gosh. I dont even know what I'm writing. I think I just criticised the world. See what insomnia can do to you? Haha. I'm screwed.

Convenience

2006-10-01T03:48:00.000+08:00

That was her reply when I ask her why did she continued her relationship,despite suspecting that the guy was not good enough for her, and that she might have fallen for another.

Her response angers and saddens me, and it leaves me with a bitter tinge of disgust.For it tells me enough of her true character. If this is how she views her relationship with her boyfriend, how will she views her relationship with others? What of my friendship with her? Does she views me as another bin ready for her whenever she needs to dump her emotional trash? That I'm just another outlet for her own childish existential angst, her loneliness and her insecurities? She is always talking about herself, her world, her troubles, her complains, wallowing in self pity, seeking sympathy from me and her poor boyfriend almost daily. Expecting every wishes to be obeyed, every whims attended to, throwing childish tempers at the both of us whenever we could not satisfy her, yet not allowing us to have our own way if it happens to differ from her's. This has gone on too long, too long. Each time I have stepped back, doing my part as a friend, listening to her, offering solutions, entertaining her when she is bored. I have remained loyal and sincere, giving in, telling myself that she's probably feeling stress up and needs company now and then, being an only child she is. I tend to see people as how they are, and I can see that she is actually a nice person who is rather fun to be with, and we do enjoy the times when we were together. This is why I had always let her have her way time and again, hoping that she will somehow realises how demanding she is and make an effort to do something about it.

But this is too far. Sure, I can accept that she is confuse because she feels that there is someone else who seems to be better than her current boyfriend. This sounds like a normal story you will hear between teenagers nowadays anyway. What I cannot accept is that she had insist on carrying on with this relationship because of "convenience". Yeah. Convenience. I guess it is a good thing to have a boyfriend, who will attend to your every whims and provides you with the comfort and security that your pathetic and insecure heart needs so desperately---even a mere illusion of it will be suck up greedily. I'm really disgusted. What is worse is that her guy had actually initiated a break up around one month ago because he felt that things were not going right, but she had pleaded at the last moment to get back together again, because she cannot bear to let go. Why? Now I know. It all boils down to convenience isnt it? When I pressed her on that, she dismissed it offhandedly that her guy had probably pitied her because of her medical condition and argued that he was the one who want to stay on. Well, her guy happens to be a friend of mine myself and I know the truth. Her response only serves to anger me even more.

My doubt of her viewing our friendship as a mere convenience was thrown deeper when I had a conversation with her just yesterday. She told me that she had been crying, and "Thank goodness!" that I was still up because she had felt lonely. I was appalled. So she is glad that her emotional trash bin happened to be awake just when she most needed it in her time of loneliness? Oh gosh. Not only that, during the week itself, she had contacted me, asking me if I was free , then getting annoyed and resorting to her "oh I am so pityful" when I explained to her that I have other appointments with my friends.

What am I to her? I have enough of her crap. I cant believe I have wasted so much time on her, when all the while I'm just there for her convenience. I cannot stand the idea of people using me like that. I'm so disappointed, and the sense of feeling betrayed still makes my blood boil. I feel sad for her too, because she had not realise how lucky she is, to have a guy who truly loves her, and a friend who is always there to support her. I have enough. Dont ask me to help you settle your problems anymore, it's not my problem. Dont come to me sobbing and acting all pityful, expecting me to listen to all your childishness. Go find others to be your convenience. Dont complain to me about your loneliness, do you really think that other people dont feel lonely too? Dont rant to me about your problems with your parents, though I do admit they are hard to handle, but let me remind you that there are so many others, including myself, who has family problems too, as well as many other burdens and stress. Leave me out of your world. I am so tired of everything. And I will not wait for you to render me obsolete. I pity my friend, your boyfriend.

Still, I have not forgotten what she had done to me in the past, the help that I have received from her when I needed them the most, the times we spent together, the positive side of her, the things that I am truly grateful for. I am not giving up, for now, though I am very much on the brink of. But I will definitely be keeping my distance from now on, though she is still my friend.

I am still angry.

Gosh. It just hit me like a sledge hammer that I'm experiencing what a group of people will have felt some time ago. Now I know how it feels, the hurt and all. How painful. Gah. I had never thought of them as "convenience" though, and this is something I can honestly say. But I'm still guilty just the same. Sigh. Talk about irony and karma.

I am done with you
I am sailing my own.
My own sweet way
around the world.

-Done with you, The Whitest Boy Alive

2006-09-28T20:18:00.000+08:00

I am such an extreme person.

It shows, even in my grades.

34 days.

All or nothing.

This is ten percent luck,
twenty percent skill
fifteen percent concentrated power of will
five percent pleasure,
fifty percent pain
and a hundred percent reason to remember the name.

-Remember the name, Fort Minor

Gonna be somebody
for anybody tellin me I can't
gonna be someone
for anyone who told me I had no chance
gonna be somebody
I'm tellin you the time has come
gonna be someone
and maybe you'll get it when i'm finally done

-Be somebody, Fort Minor

Still alive

2006-09-23T20:44:00.000+08:00

So the prelims have ended. Well. I guess it was kinda expected. Not exactly bad though, sure, there were the usual blunders such as repeating the same mistakes over and over again despite telling yourself to make a "special note", time management problems(VERY BAD), blank outs, lamentations, but there were also a few pleasant surprises here and there, such as realising that those write-on-tissue-paper economics lunchtime lessons actually managed to get into my mind after all, infomation juices that I somehow managed to squeeze out from the brick of my mind.

And I learnt some important lessons too,like realising the importance of sleep. Everything seriously went downhill when I did not sleep last tuesday, I just could not think at all for those essays, and I even fell asleep during the afternoon paper. Bleah. Now I know that it's better to get some sleep and attempt to smoke through than to face the horror of having everything so jumbled in your mind that you are not able to put them together into something decent. There were a few embarrassing incidents too. Like being so tense up that I tore off the hole on the scripts meant for the strings,running like some idiot not once, but twice, after the papers were collected to the invigilator because I had forgotten to fasten something or handed up the wrong thing. See, not getting enough sleep can fry your brains into patties.

Ahh well. Honestly though, it's all my fault in the end, cramming only at the last minute. Hmm. This must definitely not be repeated for the final battle man.

Still,it's over.

(Double meaning intended)

Anyway, the days after the last paper were kinda fun. Firstly, to start it off, there was the sunflower making session at a friend's house right after the last paper. An interesting way to celebrate the end if you ask me(the wonders of peer pressure eh), and I never realise how hard it was to make sunflower origami till that day. Gosh, I think I probably use up the patience and meticulousness I have just to make one. Haha. But I did had lots of fun at the end of the day!=)

Then there were the meet ups. Went to Suntec on wednesday just to see the difference (not to oogle at the gurkhas or whatever ok!), though we were mostly doing stupid things just to amuse ourselves. Ahh well. The Pig Out at Chomp Chomp with the old gang was just fantabulous, GIANT (Stop laughing Muikee!) sugar cane mugs, surfer's paradise obsession,"You look like Paul Twohill!", ask JAMES for everything, "The sour likes pregnant!","I need air con!", the woman at coffee bean, the surprising phonecall, all the crazy stories we share, old or new, present or past...Let's do it again. Hahaha. Some things never change yeah?XD

I'm so grateful for everything right now.

2006-09-22T21:01:00.000+08:00

Hmm.Have been surfing the net rather alot lately and some sites came to my attention.(Yes, I'm bored.)

http://adoseoflight.com/overdose/xiaokang.html

This is a series of photographs taken by someone who was suffering from acute schizophrenia. I said was because that guy committed suicide last year after completing his work. His photographs are hauntingly beautiful, though they are rather disturbing especially towards the end. But you can really feel what the guy was going through as you look at each picture. Turn down the volume if the sounds are too scary. And read the curating links to find out more.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=myqyKZsknmw

Haha. This is a crash course lesson in Singapore history taught MTV style by Hossan Leong. Brillant. "I live in Singapura, it's not perfect living but at least it's interesting.." Watch it if you havent seen it at mr brown.XD

2006-09-21T22:10:00.000+08:00

VLADIMIR:
You again! (Estragon halts but does not raise his head. Vladimir goes towards him.) Come here till I embrace you.
ESTRAGON:
Don't touch me!
Vladimir holds back, pained.
VLADIMIR:
Do you want me to go away? (Pause.) Gogo! (Pause. Vladimir observes him attentively.) Did they beat you? (Pause.) Gogo! (Estragon remains silent, head bowed.) Where did you spend the night?
ESTRAGON:
Don't touch me! Don't question me! Don't speak to me! Stay with me!
VLADIMIR:
Did I ever leave you?
ESTRAGON:
You let me go.
VLADIMIR:
Look at me. (Estragon does not raise his head. Violently.) Will you look at me!
Estragon raises his head. They look long at each other, then suddenly embrace, clapping each other on the back. End of the embrace. Estragon, no longer supported, almost falls.
ESTRAGON:
What a day!
VLADIMIR:
Who beat you? Tell me.
ESTRAGON:
Another day done with.
VLADIMIR:
Not yet.
ESTRAGON:
For me it's over and done with, no matter what happens. (Silence.) I heard you singing.
VLADIMIR:
That's right, I remember.
ESTRAGON:
That finished me. I said to myself, He's all alone, he thinks I'm gone for ever, and he sings.
VLADIMIR:
One is not master of one's moods. All day I've felt in great form. (Pause.) I didn't get up in the night, not once!
ESTRAGON:
(sadly). You see, you piss better when I'm not there.
VLADIMIR:
I missed you . . . and at the same time I was happy. Isn't that a strange thing?
ESTRAGON:
(shocked). Happy?
VLADIMIR:
Perhaps it's not quite the right word.
ESTRAGON:
And now?
VLADIMIR:
Now? . . . (Joyous.) There you are again . . . (Indifferent.) There we are again. . . (Gloomy.) There I am again.
ESTRAGON:
You see, you feel worse when I'm with you. I feel better alone too.
VLADIMIR:
(vexed). Then why do you always come crawling back?
ESTRAGON:
I don't know.
VLADIMIR:
No, but I do. It's because you don't know how to defend yourself. I wouldn't have let them beat you.
ESTRAGON:
You couldn't have stopped them.
VLADIMIR:
Why not?
ESTRAGON:
There was ten of them.
VLADIMIR:
No, I mean before they beat you. I would have stopped you from doing whatever it was you were doing.
ESTRAGON:
I wasn't doing anything.
VLADIMIR:
Then why did they beat you?
ESTRAGON:
I don't know.
VLADIMIR:
Ah no, Gogo, the truth is there are things that escape you that don't escape me, you must feel it yourself.
ESTRAGON:
I tell you I wasn't doing anything.
VLADIMIR:
Perhaps you weren't. But it's the way of doing it that counts, the way of doing it, if you want to go on living.
ESTRAGON:
I wasn't doing anything.
VLADIMIR:
You must be happy too, deep down, if you only knew it.
ESTRAGON:
Happy about what?
VLADIMIR:
To be back with me again.
ESTRAGON:
Would you say so?
VLADIMIR:
Say you are, even if it's not true.
ESTRAGON:
What am I to say?
VLADIMIR:
Say, I am happy.
ESTRAGON:
I am happy.
VLADIMIR:
So am I.
ESTRAGON:
So am I.
VLADIMIR:
We are happy.

Waiting for Godot, Act 2, Samuel Beckett

A tragicomedy indeed. Hmmm.

Whatever that is left

2006-09-08T02:39:00.000+08:00

For strong women

by Marge Piercy

A strong woman is a woman who is straining.
A strong woman is a woman standing
on tip toe and lifting a barbell
while trying to sing Boris Godunov.
A strong woman is a woman at work
cleaning out the cesspool of the ages,
and while she shovels,she talks about
how she doesn't mind crying,it opens
the ducts of her eyes,and throwing up
develops the stomach muscles,and
she goes on shoveling with tears in her nose.

A strong woman is a woman in whose head
a voice is repeating,I told you so,
ugly,bad girl,bitch,nag,shrill,witch,
ballbuster,nobody will ever love you back,
why aren't you feminine,why aren't
you soft,why aren't you quiet,why
aren't you dead?

A strong woman is a woman determined
to do something others are determined
not to be done. She is pushing up on the bottom
of a lead coffin lid.She is trying to raise
a manhole cover with her head,she is trying
to butt her way though a steel wall.
Her head hurts.People waiting for the hole
to be made say,hurry,you're so strong.

A strong woman is a woman bleeding
inside.A strong woman is a woman making
herself strong every morning while her teeth
loosen and her back throbs. Every baby,
a tooth,midwives used to say,and now
every battle a scar. A strong woman
is a mass of scar tissue that aches
when it rains and wounds that bleed
when you bump them and memories that get up
in the night and pace in boots to and fro.

A strong woman is a woman who craves love
like oxygen or she turns blue choking.
A strong woman is a woman who loves
strongly and weeps strongly and is strongly
terrified and has strong needs.A strong woman is strong
in words,in action,in connection,in feeling;
she is not strong as a stone but as a wolf
sucking her young.Strength is not in her,but she
enacts it as the wind fills a sail.

What comforts her is other's loving
her equally for the strength and for the weakness
from which it issues,lightning from a cloud.
Lightning stuns. In rain,the clouds disperse.
Only water of connection remains,
flowing through us.Strong is what we make together,
a strong woman is a woman strongly afraid.

I LOVE this poem. Alot. It reminds me of my mother. Especially stanza four and five.

A strong woman is a woman bleeding
inside.A strong woman is a woman making herself strong every morning
while her teeth loosen and her back throbs.

Somehow I am reminded of my mother waking up at 4 am in the morning during school days to tidy up the house, prepare breakfast for us etc. I remember once when I got up early I saw her looking at herself in the mirror, sighing to herself before doing her usual stuff. Bleah. I felt so bad now, for all the horrible things I have done to hurt her.

A strong woman is strong
in words,in action,in connection,in feeling;
she is not strong as a stone but as a wolf
sucking her young.Strength is not in her,but she
enacts it as the wind fills a sail.

Again this reminds me strongly of my mother. I realise how much sacrifices she had made for us, yet we are always so unappreciative of her. Sigh. This realisation comes a bit too late huh? I use to think that she had never love me as much as my other siblings but I have recently come to realise that I was wrong all along, because my mother really loves me, but she does not really know how to show it. And you know what's the saddest thing? I AM THE ONE who has been putting up all the barriers. I had stubbornly rejected any attempts she made to get close to me, look down on her for her simple views.(Ah, yes, I was an arrogant snob, but I'm trying to change ok?) And in return she begins to think that it's all hopeless and I hate her etc etc. Bleah. I hope it's still not too late to patch things up again.

I want her to know how important she is to me.

The recent incident seem to have torn off a bit of me, and from it spill all my past anger, hatred, and paranoia which I had accumulated over time. I find myself having to confront to events that had happened to me before that angered me so much, and hurt me so deeply, things that I had kept them lock up somewhere under the layers of defenses I had put up to protect myself from further pain. It's like someone had just open the Pandora's Box in me, and it pains me still to have such flashes of memories or emotions coming at me everyday while I tried to act normal and engross myself in studying for the prelims. Memories of how my mother had blamed me for her problems, all the things that were said to me, memories of been humiliated in school, by jealous relatives, of being bullied, being wronged and misunderstood...Gosh. No wonder I turn out to become the horrible kid I am today. Haha. Now the problem seems so much smaller when it's written down.

"Stop living in your past. It's over already. Learn to move on!" Said a friend to me yesterday.

Hmmm...well, I'm really trying to look to the future, but I think I have to figure out how to get out of this first. I think I'm really traumatised by THAT incident. For days already I will always have this same horrible dream. It will always begin with a particular classmate crying, and I will be trying to approach her to apologise but my path will be blocked by the persons involved in THAT incident who will give me that fierce accusing stare while telling me what a horrible person I am, how insincere, should be alone etc etc. Or it will be dreams of trying to ask for something but getting ignored, or being shouted at for being a unrepentive loser. Sigh. I havent been sleeping well so far, and I have even resort to keeping myself awake for as long as possible so that I will get a dreamless sleep. I know it sounds stupid, to be so affected by dreams, but somehow it's disturbing me alot. Well, I guess those persons involved should be feeling pretty happy by now, if they know how much that incident had affected me. =(

Like I have said earlier, that incident seem to have torn off something out of me, exposing me to my worst fears and weaknesses, forcing me to see things which I thought I had shut them out earlier, in short, the weak, pathetic me. Sigh. It's like my mind is constantly struggling with opposing viewpoints. One side of me is telling me to curl myself up into a ball at some dark corner right now, ignoring everything else that involves people, believing in only myself,while taking time to mend the big gaping hole and trapping those past horrors back into that secret box. The other side of me is offering a more horrifying option. To LET GO. To face up to my past, to acknowledge all the past hurt and anger, and then let them go. Forget about trying to repair the damage done, but rather let them be a reminder of my own weakness and vulnerability. In short, open myself up and start anew.

Hmmm, the first path looks really inviting, because it will keep me safe I suppose, and I will be in control of myself. But I will end up being the ultimate paranoid weirdo, never coming out of my past. So I think I will look to the second option, though I admit that it's a very big step to take and I'm kinda scared by it too. Because taking the second path will means that I will be allowing myself to every possibilities, and not only will I be unable to control what is going to happen,(which is one of my worst fears actually) I will also be exposing myself to all the hurt and whatever that might occur. Argh. That will really need alot of courage. Like ALOT.

But I have also come to see that the second path offers me something which the first one will never give, hope. Besides, I believe in taking on challenges head on too. Like how someone's favourite song goes " what have you got to lose, which ever path you choose", I think that I really have nothing to lose at this point. Haha. I dont what to end up in the future a lonely grumpy old woman feeding my hamsters while thinking of all the What ifs. XD

Heh. Now I'm feeling so much better, after rambling like a schizophrenic on this blog. I should have done this earlier, it will have save me from all the horrible nightmares and increase my study time too. Haha. Everything seems so unnecessary now. Bleah. Now there's only two days to go and I have only covered only two literature books and a bit of history! Geez. I better go.

Strong is what we make together,
a strong woman is a woman strongly afraid.

Give me strength, and the courage that I need.

From the mail...

2006-09-03T20:25:00.000+08:00

THE CAB RIDE

Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. When I arrived at 2:30a.m., the building was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window. Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, and then drive away. But, I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself.

So I walked to the door and knocked. "Just a minute", answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

"Would you carry my bag out to the car?" she said.

I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness.

"It's nothing", I told her. "I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated".

"Oh, you're such a good boy", she said.

When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, "Could you drive through downtown?"

"It's not the shortest way," I answered quickly.

"Oh, I don't mind," she said. "I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice".

I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening.

"I don't have any family left," she continued. "The doctor says I don't have very long."

I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. "What route would you like me to take?" I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, "I'm tired. Let's go now." We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

"How much do I owe you?" she asked, reaching into her purse.

"Nothing," I said.

"You have to make a living," she answered.

"There are other passengers," I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug.

She held onto me tightly. "You gave an old woman a little moment of joy," she said. "Thank you."

I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light.

Behind me, a door shut.

It was the sound of the closing of a life.

I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away? On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life.

We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware---beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID, BUT THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.

(Saw this while looking through my emails today. Funny how I had not notice this email till now. It has been there since 27th August. Maybe it was meant to be this way, and I believe this is the right time for it too... Thanks Patrick!)

Metamorphosis

2006-08-28T23:58:00.000+08:00

"We have two kinds of fears. One is a fear that whatever is going on is going to go on forever. It's just not true -- nothing goes on forever. The other is the fear that, even if it doesn't go on forever, the pain of whatever is happening will be so terrible we won't be able to stand it. There is a gut level of truth about this fear. It would be ridiculous to pretend that in our lives, in these physical bodies, which can hurt very much, and in relationships that can hurt very much, there aren't some very, very painful times. Even so, I think we underestimate ourselves. Terrible as times may be, I believe we can stand them."

--Sylvia Boorstein

I know what Charles Dickens meant at the end of Great Expectations when the protagonist, Pip, met Estella at ruins of Satis House towards the end of the novel. I guess it goes to show that no matter how much we want to change or redeem ourselves, we will ultimately be reminded of our own foolishness, hurt or sufferings in the end, particularly when it had affected others too, or vice versa. Time may numb or heal, but memories are forever, whether good or bad. Yet it is ironical that it is through this recognition of our own foolishness, the experiencing of such hurt, and the withstanding of such sufferings that bring us to the path of maturity, which will otherwise be hidden in the garden of childishness.

I guess it was meant to happen. This will be one of the hardest lessons I will ever learn.

Death took a friend away from me last year. This week, I felt like I have lost four due to my own stupidity. I had, in my own ignorance and self centeredness, disappointed and hurt the people who had mattered so much to me, who had repeatedly tolerated all my nonsense. Yet, I had took for granted for all the care and concern they had for me. I have never felt so much guilt in my life before, nor have I been so ashame of myself. You are right. I deserve to go to hell. But arent sinners allowed a chance to redeem themselves? I am not asking for forgiveness, but rather, a chance to prove to you that I'm capable of changing, and to ask that you believe in me. Let my actions speak for my words and redeem me of my folly. I hope to never repeat the same mistakes that I have made in my life ever again.

You will never know how to cherish the things that matters to you most until you lose them all. Painfully.

Paranoia. There is this constant fear in me now that makes me afraid to interact with others again. I'm afraid of hurting someone, especially when I had never intended to, now that I know the consequences. Maybe my primary school teacher was right. I deserved to be put in solitary confinement forever. I'm a danger to everyone, including myself. I should be alone.

Tact and sensitivity. Humility before pride.

On the other hand, I'm glad that I have somehow patched things up with my mother. I guess sometimes all that is needed is just the courage to take initiative, and to open your heart to others. The talk was great. This might be a small step, but it's still a beginning anyway. I still have alot to learn. =)

~~But I still cant let go.~~

God on high. Hear my prayer.

2006-08-26T22:13:00.000+08:00

Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
this picture's frozen and I can't get out
Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
this picture's frozen and I can't get out of here
Release me, I'm just as lost as you
Believe me, I'm just as lost as you

And every time I think I've finally made it
I learn I'm farther away than I've ever been before
I see the clock and it's ticking away
and the hourglass empty
What the ---- do I have to say

Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
this picture's frozen and I can't get out
Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
this picture's frozen and I can't get out of here
Release me, I'm just as lost as you
Believe me, I'm just as lost as you

Keep it inside the image portrayed
As if I couldn't stand losing as if I couldn't be saved, no way
A small confession I think I'm starting to lose it
I think I'm drifting away from the people I really need
A small reflection on when we were younger
We had it all figured 'cause we had everything covered
Now we're older it's getting harder to see
What this future will hold for us,
what the ---- are we going to be?

Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
this picture's frozen and I can't get out
Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
this picture's frozen and I can't get out of here
Release me, I'm just as lost as you
Believe me, I'm just as lost as you

I'm just as lost as you, what am I going to do?
I'm afraid I'm falling farther away
I'm falling farther away
I'm falling farther from where I want to be
I'm afraid I'm falling farther away
I'm falling farther away
I'm falling farther away

Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
this picture's frozen and I can't get out
Please help me 'cause I'm breaking down
this picture's frozen and I can't get out of here
Release me, I'm just as lost as you
Believe me, I'm just as lost as you

---Trapt, Still Frame

Radar malfunction

2006-08-20T01:47:00.000+08:00

We write to apologize.
We ask to look past life as it goes by.
I know you have sacrificed time,
life, love, time to fly.
Please consider all things trite,
forgiveness will be the thing that gets us by.
I know to have something like this
broken is hard to fix.

Embers, we're burning bridges down.
Oh! Envelopes stuffed with feelings found.
To write this down as means to reconcile.

We write to patch things up,
maybe not to agree but to proclaim love.
Let's look ahead and then we'll see the one
whose glory never ends.
And based on that we'll see,
there'll be room for change, but gradually.
I know to have something like this
broken is hard to fix.

Embers, we're burning bridges down.
Oh! Envelopes stuffed with feelings found.
To write this down as means to reconcile.

If all is said and done and over,
if we don't have to, we're not gonna.
Make the change, it's worth the try.
What's broken can be fixed tonight.

Embers, we're burning bridges down.
Oh! Envelopes stuffed with feelings found.
To write this down as means to reconcile.

---Embers and Envelopes, MAE

I think people should stop becoming so sensitive. Life will be so much better. What a week man. Food poisoning for the earlier part of the week, no thanks to those cockles and prawns. Fell out with my mother again, she has been getting rather trying lately, picking on me when ever she had a chance. Then come friday when stress overwhelmed me so much that I went a bit crazy. I guess my behavior on friday was kinda rude, but I felt that I did not do anything wrong. (stop rolling your eyes ok...hahaha) I mean, this is how I deal with things I guess. Sometimes taking time off really helps in preventing further uproar. However, the other reason I left was purely personal. Which I shall not bother explaining unless I choose to.

Talking to Mrs Gan helps alot I guess, particularly during this period where dad is currently in some rural part of China with lousy communication system and mum automatically flashes red lights whenever we met. At least I'm able to see things in a clearer light and work on solutions. I never really thought she was so ALONE.

And then there are some people who just have to irritate the hell out of me. People who take advantage of your kindness, because they feel that they have the right to, on the simple basis of being "friends". Or asking you for favours repeatedly because you had helped them before. Give them a slice, and they ask for the whole cake. Becoming nice to you because they want something from you, whether it's just assurance or entertainment. Such people should just kick themselves in the ass man. Or maybe they dont know what they are up with. I hate to be taken advantage of, or being taken for granted. Do that and I'll make you pay. I'm not your friend, in case you havent noticed. Do not blame me if it happened.

On the other hand, there are people who seems to be made of rice paper. One water droplet and they collapse. Well,all I can say is that I never said that I'm a nice person. I cant be going around trying to please everyone, because that's really disgusting.I hate putting on facades. Dont expect me to please you all the time. I dont live for others. Of course, I acknowledge that these people are just sensitive in character, and am fully aware that I can be rather blunt at times. For that I apologise. But really, there's a certain limit to everything.

Mrs Gan was probably right when she said that my sensing radar is currently malfunctioning. I had been shooting water missiles at rice papers so far. And it seems that there are too many rice papers hanging around too. Bleah. Maybe I'm overheating too much. I need sleep to cool off.Sigh.

There are always two sides to a coin.

Snippets

2006-08-12T00:11:00.000+08:00

+You know you have taken too many taxi rides when:

You open the car door,

to hear your destination being spoken before you could blink.

As it happen, as it was meant to happen, I took the same cab for the third time this year. The driver recognised me and was laughing at me (maybe because of my expression?) throughout the ride. Ahh well. Something wonderful came out from this third time coincidence though, the driver actually gave me his number and ask me to call him if I ever need a taxi during mornings, sparing me the flag down charge too. Heh.

+You know you are in the wrong place when:

You look up from your economics ten year series,

to see a lesbian couple fondling each other while eating fries.

I think I must have stumbled upon the neighbourhood love nest when I decide to study at the 24hour fast food restaurant near my house on thursday. The environment was conducive enough, cushion seats, nice tables and best of all, the "Bala papa baaaa" wasnt too obvious to the ears. But the ambience was shattered some time later when I detect some strange movement from the corner of my eye. Looking up, I was, let's put it this way, bemused to see two girls groping each other with one hand while holding fries with the other. This was followed by lots of giggling and sloppy kisses. Oh, those innocent eyes of mine are tarnished forever. (And to that old lady sitting beside me too, you should see her expression man. It's disgust etched with horrifying fascination. Haha) Ahh. Thankfully that couple left after a while, presumingly to indulge in some other ventures.

But my relief swiftly turned into a choke when I saw the same seats being taken up by my ex tuition friend and his girl. Friendly greeting was exchanged naturally upon such a meeting, though I feel bad that my poor friend had to endure another five minutes of interrogation from his girl before he could change the subject.(I happen to have good hearing by the way) Fortunately, exhibit B was kind enough to show some decency in their behaviour, though I was rather put off by them trying to feed each other while talking continuously. Exhibit C sat at the table nearest to me. (Right after that old lady left) They seem okay at first, and for a while peace reign in this cosy little place. Suddenly, I heard weird sounds beside me. Turning, I saw the couple smooching happily beside me. This time I was spared from further agony though, for the manager came soon after and told the couple off for smooching in public. Phew. Never again shall I study at that corner again. Maybe the restaurant should put up a sign that say "THANK YOU FOR NOT SMOOCHING IN OUR RESTAURANT". XD

+You know you are screwed when:

You came home to find your siblings reading your book with much interest

before coming to you later to ask "Is this M18?"

Haha. Came home just now to find my siblings reading The Cyclist, by Viken Berberian. (A good book by the way,I shall review it later if I have the time) Anyway,they told me soon after that they stop after the fourth page because they had read about the part where the protagonist's girlfriend attempt to rouse her boyfriend from his vegetative state by playing with his "plums" and "leek". Ahh. I'm glad they havent got further to the "strawberry turn inside out" part. Now that will be really damaging to young minds. Hahaha. In case you are wondering, I didnt know that the novel will have such literative imagery when I first borrowed it from the library ok. The cover looks kiddy enough anyway. XP

Hmmm...I guess that's all for now. More entries later!=)

Oh bugger

2006-07-30T20:46:00.000+08:00

Hmm..Havent been updating for quite a while. Oh well, this week turned out to be pretty bad for me, but a bad week usually comes with some form of optimism so I guess I'll tone down on the word "bad" for now.

That feeling of sheer exhaustion is gaining on me again, particularly in the mornings when my half hearted brain scream at my battered body to get up for school.(That is, assuming that the alarm clock work at all) Sleep doesnt seem to be curing that lethagic feeling coupled with dread and stress that overwhelmed me morning after morning. It got so bad on thursday when I woke up with sore throat, headache and that usual "aw I wanna die" feeling that I can only remember myself popping two Panadols before dropping back to blessed oblivion. Sigh. Well, I guess it is just a passing thing. And it had better pass soon before I turn permanently into that grumpy old skeptic that had terrorised everyone she met during this week.

So it came as no surprise when this grumpy old skeptic made her friend cry on friday. I guess she went overboard with her fatalistic theories on the horrors of mankind while shoving "the book of survival version 21.1--Concrete Jungle" into her friend's face, who had always believed that the world consist of polite and smiling fellow beings giving away candies while shouting "Life Is Beautiful!". Naturally, the poor girl wasnt able to take it (well, I dont think anyone could, unless he or she happen to be a grumpy old skeptic too), and so retorted with a remark I would hardly find flattering. And a remark I would hardly find flattering will be followed by a remark you would find even less flattering and this will effectively erupt into a classic case of Misunderstanding, ending with the grumpy (and angry) old skeptic fuming away while her friend took off to some air-conditioned place in a huff. Ah well. People.

Still, I hope things have cleared up. I am assured that she wasnt angry with me anymore, but I'm not sure if she had forgiven me totally. It is quite bad to have your friend confessing to you that she hasnt liked you since the day she met you. But I guess I probably deserve it.

I'm sorry for hurting you all this while.

Anyway, that's just one ho-hum of the week. Then there's the case of two idealistic lovebirds which I have somehow got involved in. The guy is someone who believes in committing totally into a relationship and expect things to work out according to his idealised plan, that his girl will follow him where ever he go, making the necessary sacrifices for the sake of LOVE, since he is willing to do that for the sake of LOVE too. In short, LOVE conquers ALL. The girl, unfortunately, is just as idealistic, but believes in totally different things. She believes that it it possible to have as many cakes as possible and eat them at the same time, (I wonder how big is her mouth?) that a long distance relationship is perfectly possible as long as they still love each other in their hearts and she will be able to pursue her ambitions at the same time. In short, LOVE conquers ALL too. Of course, this doesnt go down well with the two of them and the guy felt that it would be better if they broke up now as it would hurt him less. The girl surprisingly was calm at the suggestion but realised at the last minute that she could not bear to let go and so the two idealistic lovebirds got together again. Ahh well. We will see.

It never fails to amuse me how silly people can be on the idea of love, particularly with teenagers around the same age as me.(So you know I'm not some old hag who has been out of love many times) These people usually enter a relationship without knowing what they really want out of it, or begin with their own idealistic mindsets of what they expect out of it eg, it will last forever, I will love him/her for eternity, we will get married at so and so year, have lotsa babies and live happily ever after.

It's really funny how the idea of problems like do I have enough money, national service, pursuing my own dreams and ambitions does not seem to go into these birds' minds. Small brains maybe? They were probably right in saying that love is blind, for these people not only are blind to the word PROBLEMS, they are also blind to the word CHANGE. It might all start very well, with everything seems perfect and sunny, till CHANGE came into the picture like some ugly blot of ink. Suddenly you realise that you really dont know each other at all, and that each of you had different ideas on how the relationship should go. The idea of a break up start to become very real. One part of you know that it is impossible to continue, but the other part is unwilling to let go of the security and comfort you had grew to rely on through each other.

So how? Both of you start living in a web of lies. Convincing yourself that somehow, somehow, things might just work out one day and your partner will give up on his own idealistic way of how things should be going and go according to YOUR plans. Sorry, pal, it's never gonna work. Both of you are just as selfish as each other. Both parties will end up hurting each other even more and this time the damage will be even longer lasting. People will never learn. To believe in the idea that love conquers all is enough to spell doom to your relationship man.

Haha. I realise that I really sound like some love-deprived old hag. Heh. Blame it on my literature teacher, who made me stay up the whole night to do an essay on whether love and marriage is idealistic or romantic in Jane Austen's Persuasion. Still, I believe that love is only possibly through trust, understanding and maturity, when every posssiblity has been considered and acknowledged. This is what I see in my own parents , whom I have grown to realise are the closest example to what I will call "true" love, in my opinion anyway. Haha. My dad is always working overseas and he is still on great terms with my mum after all these years, the perfect example of how long distance relationship can work. Which is why I was so angry that day when someone used my parents as example to her argument that a long distance relationship is possible, especially when she had just proven herself to be such an immature idealist. I take it as an insult man. Just how many people at our age can claim to be as matured as my parents? They had gone through so much more than any of us to reach that level of trust and understanding which formed the base of their relationship. They had an unspoken understanding on the roles they play in this relationship, one to provide for the family, another to take care of the kids. Oh man. I feel so proud of my parents now! Hahaha. X)

Enough for now. It's another unproductive weekend, with me spending the two days reading Cat's Cradle by Kurt Vonnegut. A really great book from a wonderful satirist. Go read it if you can. XD

Musing

2006-07-14T22:25:00.000+08:00

He sat beside me, an ordinary middle aged man in a checkered shirt, tie,black pants and a brown briefcase. I did not notice him at first because I had somehow accidentally caught the attention of a toddler who seemed to have taken an UNHEALTHY interest in my phone and was attempting to grab it with his curious little hands. Fortunately, his mother realised what her little brat was doing and pulled him back soon after, imprisoning him once again in his pram, much to my tremendous relief.

It was then when I heard the sound.

I turned.

The man was sitting there, his eyes closed. He had cupped his hands together and was bringing them back and forth to his face, muttering to himself repeatedly. I watched in amusement. Is this some kind of stress relieve technique? Half a minute went by. The man was muttering louder now. He would be quiet for some time, then continue his action of putting his cupped hands back and forth towards his face. In, out. In, out. This time his inaudible mutterings will be punctuated by soft whispers of "Please God. Please please please" as his body moved in rhythm to his own prayer. Back and forth, back and forth.

A loud wail distracted me. I looked away to see the toddler straining to get out of his pram and pointing his tiny finger at my phone. His mother was trying to quiet him down,flashing apologetic smiles in my direction every now and then. I decided that my phone will have a longer future in my pocket instead.

I looked back at the man beside me. To my surprise, tears were streaming down his face. His eyes were still closed, and he was repeating the whole cycle again, this time with increasing urgency. "Please God. Please please please." I strained to hear further, but he was muttering way too fast and too quietly.

"Next stop.Yishun."

The man opened his eyes. He let out a long sigh. Then he clasped his hands, bowed his head and started praying again. Silently this time. I noticed that he had clasped his hands so tightly that his knuckles were white.

"Yishun. Yishun."

"Oh. Please God. Please." He stopped, and looked up. Then, standing up, he wiped his tears away with one quick swipe of his hand. His expression was calm, his movements slow and purposeful as he walked out of the train and blended quietly into the crowd.

Meanwhile, the toddler continued to scream.

2006-07-14T21:27:00.000+08:00

What a day to start off year eighteen.

It's like being slammed in the face.

I was angry, angry that it had to turn out this way, angry with myself for not putting in enough effort only to be moaning over the expected outcome now.

Disappointed. Knowing that I have not achieve the minimum that was expected of me. Knowing that they are going to be so disappointed. And that I can do better than that.

Repeating the same mistakes. Over and over. It seems like I never learn.

I was too complacent. I know I deserve this. I know it's my fault. I was behaving like an arrogant kid who thinks that I can get through everything. Till I trip on my ego and fall. Hard.

I didnt know it will turn out THAT BAD. Bleah. It's really bad when you flunk the subject you had never failed before.

"Do you want to go poly?"

I'll show you.

I'll show you what I'm capable of.

Just you wait.

~~I'll make you take back what you said.~~

2006-07-10T21:02:00.000+08:00

Hmm. Checked my mail today after a really long time. Found this while I was looking for stuff to delete. (Thanks Xinxian!)

At a fundraising dinner for a school that serves learning disabled children, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: "When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?" The audience was stilled by the query. The father continued. "I believe, that when a child like Shay, physically and mentally handicapped comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes, in the way other people treat that child".

Then he told the following story: Shay and his father had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball. Shay asked, "Do you think they'll let me play?" Shay's father knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but the father also understood that if his son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps. Shay's father approached one of the boys on the field and asked if Shay could play, not expecting much. The boy looked around for guidance and said, "We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning."Shay struggled over to the team's bench, put on a team shirt with a broad smile and his Father had a small tear in his eye and warmth in his heart. The boys saw the father's joy at his son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in the game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as his father waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat.

At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible 'cause Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball. However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher,recognizing the other team putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least be able to make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher. The game would now be over, but the pitcher picked up the soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game. Instead,the pitcher threw the ball right over the head of the first baseman, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, "Shay, run to first! Run to first!" Never in his life had Shay ever ran that far but made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled. Everyone yelled, "Run to second, run to second!"Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to second base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball, the smallest guy on their team, who had a chance to be the hero for his team for the first time. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions and he too intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home. As Shay neared third base, the opposing shortstop ran to help him and turned him in the direction of third base, and shouted, "Run to third! Shay, run to third ! "All were screaming, "Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay" As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams and those watching were on their feet were screaming,"Shay, run home! " Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheered as the hero who hit the "grand slam" and won the game for his team.

That day, said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world. Shay didn't make it to another summer and died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making his Father so happy and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day.

Education nonsense

2006-07-08T19:33:00.000+08:00

Hah.Who will have thought that the pleasant memories mentioned in the previous entry came from a loner who was determine to spend the rest of her school years alone because she could not get along with anyone at all? That violent, bad tempered, rebellious weird geek who had tried so hard to fit in only to be pushed away so many times that she just gave up and told herself never again. Gah. My early school years were a nightmare. LOL. Suxin probably saved me during the first day of secondary two when she turned round smiling and asked my name.

It's funny how MOE allocates the most cruel teachers to teach primary school kids. When I think back now, I think it's probably part of the conditioning process, to produce the next generation of obedient, submissive people who were brainwashed to accept their "roles" in society. Hmm. Let me explain further, by comparing the education system here with the concept from Aldous Huxley's Brave New World. In Brave New World, the human population were conditioned even before birth to their future roles in society, with the Alphas being the smartest, allowed to developed to the fullest potential to be groomed after birth to run the population, followed by the Betas, conditioned to work in various high technology environments such as genetic engineering, the Gammas and Deltas, which formed the working classes of the society, conditioned to know only about serving the society, never to understand or appreciate things like art and nature, followed by the Epsilons, semi retards cruelly starved of oxygen during foetal development so they will never be able to think and can only do repetitive work.

Of course, this is the most extreme scenario, but if you look at the way the education system is like here, you will be able to see several similarities. The Alphas will be those who were streamed into making up what we know as GEPers, supposedly gifted kids groomed to receive the baton to hold high position in the public sector. The Betas, consisting of people with enough intelligence to become the future specialists and major contributors to the nation, they will be those streamed into the EM1 or the Special stream. The Gammas will be the majority of the population, THOUGHT to be better as the higher working class, they will be streamed into EM2 or Express. This will be followed by the Deltas, better known in our world as the Em3 or Normal,forming the lower working class and ASSUMED to be hopeless and only capable of manual labour. I shall skip the Epsilons for now.

Do you see the problem? Such streaming and segregation will be useful if humans are born in such a way that fit the system, and an utopia society will thus be possible. But obviously in our society we are not even close to that. Everyone is born with different talents and abilities. But the education system choose to rely solely on the academic ability of a child to determine where he/she will be streamed to. This is where the problem begins. Because your IQ does not represent your academic ability. The result will be that many kids find themselves streamed into the wrong place which does not match their real abilities at all. Now that's the scary thing. Take for example a kid who with a high IQ but was incredibly lazy, thus he was streamed into EM3, made to undergo a series of conditioning to become what was thought to be fitting by the powers that be. It's like putting someone in a room and playing a recorder that spew sentences like "You are a loser, EM3 sucks, you will never be as good as the others" continuously, 24 hours a day. Unless the kid is someone who is very sure of his real abilities and remain unaffected by everything else (Ok, no kid will be able to be so clear headed), it is inevitable that the kid will fall victim to the extreme conditioning and start convincing himself that those sentences are true afterall.

This is what I really hate about the education system. The elitism behavior that led to stigmatisation and sterotyping. Which I'm ashamed of commiting. To be honest, I have never thought very well of people coming from the other streams, neither do I have much interactions with them during my primary school or secondary school years (I was in EM1 and Special, my secondary school dont even have Normal). When I think about it, all the people I know from other schools when I was in secondary school were the GEPers or fellow specialists.(Good word huh?) People from Express or Normal seems to be from another planet, and even my teachers or parents conditioned me to think that people from the other streams were never as good as mine, not to mix with them so much because you will end up as stupid as them etc. (Yeah, a primary school teacher actually told me that) Perhaps it's a good thing that I ended up where I am now. It really opened my eyes and allowed me to meet people whom I would years ago have snobbed at. (Ok, please start slapping me now, I totally deserve it) Hmmm.

Order and obedience. That's what this stupid system is based on. How many of you had in your primary school days was forced by your teachers to put your fingers to your lips, shouted at to shut up, punished just because you talked during lessons? Made to raise your hand to ask for permission to go to the toilet, where your teacher had the power to deny you? It's just absurd to think of it now. Denied of the right to even communicate or relieve yourself? Naturally it would not go well with people like me. I was beaten with that damn wooden ruler in primary 3 so many times that it broke once when I got tired of everything and pulled my hand back just as the teacher brought it crashing down to the table instead. Publicly humiliated in class, my books and bags thrown out by a furious teacher, forced to stand up and announce to the class my lousy marks, while she laughed and that bunch of girls whom she favoured giggled at me. Condemned to three years of solitary confinement by the same form teacher who made me sit alone right at the far end of the class so that I cannot talk to the rest. And the worst of all, being scolded and punished just because I dared to challenge the prefects and monitors who were abusing their powers while sucking up to the teacher, or to question the teacher's choice in choosing them in the first place.Gah.

All that come out from those painful years was the sweet revenge at the end of it all. When someone tells me that I cannot do something, I will prove it to you I can.I will never forget that day when those bunch of fools came up to me and asked my PSLE score. My reply wiped the smile off their faces. Even the teachers were shocked that I ended up as one of the school's top achievers. Heh.

I think this is why I ended up so badly when I went on to secondary one. The idea of cliques and friends had not occured to me yet. And I thought that I would be better off alone. I did attempt to make friends though, but it was too late. I guess those three years sitting alone in class probably harden me. I was the loser, and losers ended up bullied. Gah. And I guess it made the situation worse. Sigh.

But to look on the bright side, some good did come out from it all. Even those bleak and torturous years. I was able to find myself in the end. I might not be certain of what I really want yet, but at least I do know who I am, and to be proud of that. Heh. Now that's a great achievement yeah?XD

Hmm, I think I'm really ranting too much. Hahaa. Anyway, I started this entry because I heard my neighbour beating her son just now because he failed his test or something. And he's in EM3. =/

Screw the Singapore Education System. I will never make my kids go through that hell man.

Those days

2006-07-08T15:15:00.000+08:00

This is the only photo I have of THE CLASS OF HOPE, taken after a crazy PE lesson with water bombs and stuff flying everywhere. Who can forget the class that had two of the funniest teachers in the level, *mimic petite Mrs Seah jumping about screaming "Monster!" followed by drawing horns on a mathematical mistake that we liked to make, Mr Gan and his "No future girls, no future" while shaking his head and waving his finger in the most comical manner* the class who had End Of Team Party every term without fail, thanks to our coolest teachers who sponsored stuff like pizzas (18 Boxes!!), much to the envy of all other classes. The only class who spent a term in the air conditioned old AVA room, sneaking off every now and then in between periods to buy food, then blatantly eating them in class, the cushions mania, the jacket fashion show, word search craze, driving a horrible English replacement teacher away, getting scolded by the english HOD who ended up laughing at my amused expression in exasperation, the only class in the whole school who got recognition for the BEST LOGO in the classroom painting compeition, that giant SPIDER WEB that scared off our teachers. Gosh. Now I really miss everyone. =)

Watching my junior college's FIRST ever sports day yesterday really send me hurling through memory lane. Especially after a bad morning with my mother which usually left me too empty to do anything else other than the need for some quiet self reflection. I find myself thinking of my secondary school's sports day, from those days of preparation, risking our lives to tie that giant house banner so that it will stand out from all the other houses, preparing the props and painting the banner, to the actual day itself, dancing that funny family dance (anyone still remembers those steps?), face painting, that really memorable march past where houses tried to out shout each other with our original cheers, teasing my friends from other houses, watching the really HOT cheerleaders which I still think is the best I had ever watched so far, swinging the house flag till my hands ached at the end of the day, cheers,cheers and more cheers. GO GO GO YELLOOOW!*Bongo drum beats*

Then my thoughts turned to my friends. The nine of us who did the craziest things together. Playing badminton EVERY recess, or sometimes it's basketball, table tennis or gym. Rushing out after the last lesson to watch movies. Betting on the most ridiculous things, telling each other the most hilarious jokes, those night study session days--Uncle Morbeen's iced tea, family lounge, beautiful sun sets, throwing coins and leaves into the pond hoping the fish will swallow them and die of poisoning, dinner at macdonalds (dont ever suggest macs to me unless there's no alternative, EVER) or the soyabean shop, then realising at the end of the day that the only productive thing we did was to laugh till our sides ached. Outings and more outings, from J8 or town during school days to beaches during holidays, swimming at Evelyn's place almost every week.(Haha,I think I became very fit due to that!)

Sigh. If only I can turn back time.

Bleah...

2006-06-29T23:36:00.000+08:00

Before I begin this entry, please allow me to say something. Faith bully me!*Wails, engage in hamster like behavior* Bleah. Now I have to do this boring thing meant for EXTREMELY BORING people who are probably twiddling their thumbs in front of their computers, so that the boring people who are probably twiddling their thumbs in front of their computers can stop playing with themselves.XD

10 Favourites

1) Favourite Colour

Blue and Orange...Heehee

2) Favourite Food

Anything with cheese or tomato.

3) Favourite Song

Hmmm, check out some songs from the playlist I'm running now!

The boy with the arab strap---Belle and sebastian

The blues are still blue---Belle and sebastian

Burn this city---Franz Ferdinard

The fallen---Franz Ferdinard

Sailors---Morton Valence

Ocean---MAE

4) Favourite Movie

Lots of them. Generally funny and humorous stuff or those that are meaningful and thought provoking. Well, I'll just list some that I have recently watched.

Goodnight and good luck
-A rather quiet movie which is really fabulous. It's about this famous broadcaster called Edward R Murrow who decide to highlight a controversial issue which he knew would get him into trouble with the authorities. The movie is in black and white, and what I really like about the movie is that there is alot of attention to detail in the movie which you have to observe from the characters. For example, just before Murrow's first broadcast on the issue, he appeared calm and casual to everyone, but if you observe carefully, you can see how nervous he was by the way he smoke, the way he shake his leg, and how he will isolate himself from the rest while he planned out the next broadcast.

The alibi
-The main character rocks. Anyway, it's about this really smart guy who set up this consultant agency providing alibi service to his clients who wanna cheat on their spouses or boy/girl friends. Naturally he was also sought after by powerful criminals who wanted him to cover for their crimes, which he had made it a point not to have anything to do with that. So to worm his way out of trouble from every sides, this guy actually managed to manipulate everyone involved (from criminals to rich men and to policewoman) into a really ingenius plot which solved his problems of getting murdered or arrested. It's really amazing. Haha.

Paradise now

-Ahh, you can backtrack and refer to my old post on this movie.=)

5. Favourite Sport

I love to play all types of balls, particularly soccer. Swimming is good too.

6. Favourite Season

Spring. Where it all begins.

7. Favourite Day of the week

FRIDAY!

8. Favourite Ice-cream Flavour

Banana. Chunky monkey!

9. Favourite Book

Lots of them. I love everything by Terry Prachett (the Discworld novels) and Douglas Adams( Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy series, Dirk Gently holistic detective agency series). They are excellent satirists who are really accurate in their observations of human behavior nature and behaviour as well as the way they look at the world. And they never never fail to make me laugh. Heehee.

10. Favourite anime/cartoon

Family guy!

1) Current Mood

Cranky, hyperactive, a danger to myself.

2. Current Clothes

Orange OP shirt and this pair of checkered shorts which people like to mistaken for boxers. -__-"

3. Current desktop

Clouds, clouds and more clouds.

4. Current Toenail

What kind of stupid question is this?

5. Current Time

10.44pm

6. Current Annoyance(s)

Nothing much. Maslow's hierachy of needs satisfied. Though I'm getting impatient at this quiz. How much more to go?!

7. Current Thought

What a stupid thing I'm doing now. How to bully Faith. Heehee.

8. Current boyfriend/girlfriend

Heh. Dont have any.

9. Current Book you are reading

Cambridge history of south east asia. I'm lying. It's untouched on my table. XP

1. First Best Friend

How do you define Best?

2. First Crush

HAHA.=X

3. First Movie

Jurassic Park. OMG. It was the first time I ever went to a cinema and my dad decide to traumatise me with such a scary movie. Was really freaked out, though I said nothing at that time.I still have nightmares on that from time to time. And it took a long time before I will allow myself to step into a cinema again. Even now I get freak whenever they show this movie on TV. But I still like dinosaurs!=)

4. First Piercing

*Cringe* YUCKS. I'm strongly against any type of piercing. Now dont get me started.

5. First Lie

I'm a born liar.

6. First Music

I think it will be voice of my mother as she sang me to sleep every night when I was a tot. X)

7. First Car

I wish.

8. First Handphone

That really kuku Sony Ericsson phone cum tracker device which I got as a well meaning present from my parents when I was in secondary one. It really sucks ok.

1. Last Cigarette

YUCKS. I hate the smell.

2. Last Drink

Plain water.

3. Last Car Ride

This morning. Was rushing to school because I was late again.

4. Last Crush

Why so persistent? Not telling.

5. Last Movie Seen

Scary movie 4. Just watched that this afternoon. Heehee. It's satire and parody again. I seem to like such stuff huh? I wanna watch 4:30 next!

6. Last Phone Call

To my mum I think.

7. Last CD played

Erm, I dont play CDs.

1. Have you ever dated one of your best friends

Hmmm.I dont even know how to define a best friend.

2. Have you ever broken the law

Yes. Like right now. Heehee.

3. Have you ever been arrested

No. Smart people dont get caught.

4. Have you ever skinny-dipped

Nay. I'm not an exhibitionist. Heh.

5. Have you ever been on TV

I think so. But as usual, I wasnt aware of it till people tell me the next day or something.Heehee.

6. Have you ever kissed someone u didnt know

Are you crazy?!

5 things you are wearing

I'm not gonna bother to answer this question.

4 things you have done today

1) Screwed up my literature paper.
2) Watched scary movie 4. I LOVE the UN scene. LOLX. And the vacuum cleaner.
3) Get to understand Shuwen better. =)
4) Sleep.

3 things you can hear right now

1) The Everglow---MAE
2) The fan?
3) Basically I'm deaf to everything else when I'm playing songs in my room.XD

2 Things you can't live without

1) Air.
2) My specs.

1 thing you do when you are bored.

Twiddling my thumbs. While the rest of my body stone away in front of the computer. LOL.

Phew. FINALLY. It's over. Haha.

"Which of you shall we say doth love us most?"

2006-06-25T20:53:00.000+08:00

Act one scene one of King Lear was played out in my house yesterday evening.

Mum was complaining and making a big fuss about my aunts and uncles not coming down to visit my "poor, sick, ailing grandmother" as often as she did. Well, she left home everyday by 11am and will only be back by 5pm earliest, spending the whole time sitting with my grandma who is as good as being in coma. Anyway, to cut the long story short, we were all having dinner (me with lots of difficulty, refer to previous post please) when she suddenly pop the killer question.

Mum: Sometimes I really wonder you know, whether you three will be as concern as me if I end up like your grandmother one day. How filial will the three of you be? Will you all visit me everyday?

(I think my mouth was open when I heard that. The setting was so freaking similar to King Lear too, mum sitting at the end of the table, my siblings and I around her. What follows is even freakier.)

Brother, AKA Professional boot licker: Of course lah! I will visit you everyday dont worry, I'm very very filial one! Even if my future wife complains I will also come. *Sweet angelic smile*

Mum: (Smiling at Mr professional boot licker) I always know you will. Then what about you two? Ah Hui? (That's my sister)

Sister, AKA Loyal nit picker: (Nodding) Yeah, of course I will visit you everyday also, dearest mommy! Aiyah, but dont worry, you wont end up like that one, I will take care of you.

(She really said that ok? OMG...hahaha)

Mum: What about Quan Min? *Everyone looks at me*

(At this point I'm sure you people will be guessing or have probably predicted what I will say. LOL)

Me: *Gasp* *Choke* *Cough* *Points to my throat indicating that I cant speak at all* *Mutter something incoherent and excuse myself off to my room*

Haha...Oh no, I did not do a Cordelia, though I was tempted to. Actually, I meant to say "Ask me no questions and I will tell no lies" but I though better of it at the last minute because I do not want to cause unnecessary damage to my mouth and to my mum's fragile heart. Bleah.

Still, this incident calls for some reflection. I was actually quite disturbed by it and spent the whole night thinking about it till those drugs took effect and send me off to oblivion.

Other than getting turn off by my siblings' answers (I still am), I find myself thinking of mainly two things, the real answer I would have given and why my mother had to ask this question.

Dont get me wrong. It's not like I dont love my mother at all, neither am I unfilial. I just think that it's stupid and childish if I have to be forced to say out my feelings. I dont like it too. Now I know what Cordelia means when she said "I cannot heave/ My heart into my mouth". Some things are better left unsaid, they are better felt. If my mum is to end up like that (touch a billion wood and papers) I'm very sure I will have done what's required of me as her daughter. Also, I have always believed that it's no use only trying to make amends when the person is unable to respond to you anymore. It will be better if I make a difference to her life now than to start regretting later. (Ok, I'm not doing a good job I know. High drama still persists between her and me even now. XP)

And I also realise how insecure my mum must be feeling to ask such a question. Because just now she was talking about this old lady beside my grandma's bed who cried herself to sleep every day because she was in so much pain and no one visited her. She passed away alone a few days before I think. Sigh. Mum must be worrying that this will happen to her too. Ah well. I swear I will not let this happen to her. Though I know that she wasnt very satisfied with my ah...response yesterday. Gah.

Still, sometimes I wonder if all parents have such fears in them. That they will suffer their pain silently, die alone, unloved and abandoned. That their children had never loved them in the first place, despite all the sacrifices and love they had for them. Hmmm...What do you think?

PS: Someone please tell me to stop putting up entries referring to King Lear. It's driving me nuts too! But I cant help it haha.>__<

2006-06-25T20:42:00.000+08:00

Having sore throat is bad enough.

Having ulcers is just as bad.

Having sore throat and ulcers is nothing short of a catastrophe.

Cant swallow, cant talk, cant eat, cant drink, cant study.

Living on lozenges, which offer only temporary relief, and by temporary relief I mean making you drowsy so you will fall asleep and take your pain somewhere else.

Then you wake up to reality with the pain doubled and in pops another one.

I think I should be seeing a doctor soon, before the condition got so serious that I have to be put on the drip.

And it's two days to the real papers.

I have barely started.

Helloooo FFF.

I'm loving it.

Poor Cordelia?

2006-06-22T20:12:00.000+08:00

So after hours of anger, stress and frustration resulting from the fact that I have been feeling so tired recently that I think I have wasted time sleeping (yes laugh all you want XD), I'm back in business again, attempting to cram in or selective study whatever I can with the pathetic time left, no thanks to the mediocre education system we have here.

I have never been actually that fond of Shakespeare's work, but I must say that King Lear really beats all his other plays to the dust. For one, it had the most logical and impactful ending in my opinion, as compared to his other works like Measure for Measure and Twelfth Night, in which the endings were often slip shod and full of loose ends as our master playwright attempts to tie them up, often getting the audience entangled with him. Now, you must be wondering, how logical can the ending be when the good character of the play, Cordelia, dies in the end? Why did Lear and Gloucester have to die when they are already punished for their mistakes? Where is the sense of moral justice?

If you are thinking of that, I will say that that is probably a shallow way of looking at things. This is because you had probably subconsciously programmed your mind to think of life like how it should work in fairytales and superhero cartoons, where the good triumphs over evil, and everyone lives happily ever after. Oh well, just take a look around you, or flip the papers if you are free. You can be sure to find young people dying all the time. A teenager, great sports player, excellent in academics, popular with friends found dead in his bed the next morning. A young man, financially able and at the peak of his career, died in a car accident while on his way to get married. It's the same case with Cordelia actually, though I personally think that she might have lived if someone had remembered and took action earlier. But this is how the world runs, it's illogically logical. The possiblities are endless and at their most unpredictable, and whether it happen to be a happy or sad thing is all based on Man's own set of logic and consciousness. I think this is what Shakspeare had intended for the audience to realise from this horrible tragedy too, not to think of WHY it happen, but WHY CANT it happen.

From the way I look at things, I think all the characters have a reason for their deaths. Edmund could not have said it better "The wheel is come full circled." Indeed, Edmund was killed by his brother Edgar because of HUMAN justice, where the good will natually defeat the bad as it is commonly assumed to be. Goneril and Regan died basically under the same category too, where they are ultimately punished for the way they had treated their father, as well as their greed and selfishness which led to their own self destruction.

What about Lear and Gloucester? They are basically two old men who had made mistakes, realised them in the end and die before they can do anything. Now, refer to the quote by Edmund again. If you look at the play carefully, who were the characters present at the beginning of the play when Lear made his biggest mistake?

---Lear
---Gloucester
---Edmund
---Cordelia
---Goneril
---Regan
---Kent

Notice that these characters are the ones that died by the end of the play. (Ok, I assume Kent died too, cose he said " I have a journey, sir, shortly to go:/My master calls, and I must not say no.")

Now you ask, what about Edgar? Why didnt he die also? I think Shakespeare intend him from the beginning to be the "pilgrim" of the play (he refered to his experience as "my pilgrimage" in the last act anyway). Which means he is suppose to observe and experience the going on of the "Old world" so that he can be ready to start the new world when it's over. This is why he was not present at the beginning of the play, neither was he present when Gloucester made the mistake of believing Edmund. And I guess that's why Shakespeare had to kill off all the characters belonging to the "Old world" at the end too.

Haha. I think that I'm confusing everyone with my points. Just take it that I'm talking nonsense if you dont get what I mean.XD

Anyway, back to the last point of why I feel that King Lear is the most impactful ending. Just look that what Kent said just before Lear dies.

Vex not his ghost. O, let him pass. He hates him
That would upon the rack of this tough world
Stretch him out longer.

I must admit that I was actually quite emotional when I read that. It's like the full impact and realisation of Lear's suffering coming on at you at that moment. The imagery is really effective in showing us how Lear must have suffered throughout the play, how he was drove from anger to self delusion and finally madness. Poor guy. I cant help but think that it's a good thing that he died actually, considering what he had gone through. At least his suffering will be finally over. =/

Haha...I think I better stop now before Shakespeare got tired of turning in his grave and decide to jump out. XD

2006-06-20T00:41:00.000+08:00

People who REALLY know me should know that I'm not the sort who expressed myself well in terms of emotions. Yeah. I'm a classic example of an emotidiot. The sort who go HUH? whenever she sees a large group of people gathering around exhibit A, a homo sepian giving an excellent display on how-to-use-those-tearducts-to-send-subliminal-messages, the kind who stands at the sideline looking apprehensively while people she knows start to cry over whatever reasons.

Now, dont get me wrong. It's not like I cant feel. I do have emotions, though I think it's a waste of time to dwell and mull over them. Most of the time, I'm able to get through my life pushing emotions aside while the rational thinking side of me take charge. But the problem lies when I have to express myself. Of course, showing emotions like anger or happiness is of no problem to me, and I often recognise and experience them intensely. But when it comes to showing concern and empathy....

There are times when I observe (or just got a gut feeling) that someone around me is feeling troubled or depressed. But I have no idea how to approach it. So I end up asking stupid questions like "How are you feeling?" or "Are you ok?" and you can bet that the answer i will get 99% of the time will be "Yeah","Ok", "Fine". This will be followed by periods of awkward silence while I think of other forms of distraction, or hope that something will happen that will change the atmosphere. This happens even with my family too, and misunderstandings of me being uncaring, unsympathetic, unconcern are always happening.

You see, when someone who is troubled approaches me, I will look at things immediately from the problem perspective. This is because I believe that the only way to make things normal again is to solve the problem itself. It hardly ever occur to me to think of what you are feeling, because I believe that that is the side effect of the problem.

Which is why I really HATE certain people. People who approaches you crying or with a sad face, not because they want you to solve it and think of solutions, but expects you to sit with them and linger on their emotions while they indulge themselves in the idea of "Oh, I'm so depress! " "There's NOTHING, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING that can solve it!" "Oh, I'm such a miserable person!" "Oh, SOMEONE, please tell me what to do!" While all the while REPEATEDLY rejecting me when I attempt to solve the problems and make them see things from a different angle. This of course, frustrates me alot and pushes my patience to the limits. And it really sucks when the person happen to be someone you regard as a friend.

And then there is the other sort. The kind who are aware that you are really concern for them, who knows that you really care. These are the kind who literally uses emotional blackmail on you, whining, complaining, indulging in their miserable oh-I-am-just-so-pathetic world and then start suggesting things like "Oh, I want to DIE!" "I cant see the point in living anymore!" while I get angier and angier as they are not even trying to listen to me at all. Then they will suddenly pop killer questions like "Do you CARE?" "Will you even bother when i'm gone?" or continue with their suicide planning. Now, I'm sure that by now you should understand that I'm not the sort who likes to talk about my emotions very openly. These people literally forces you to say things like "Yes I care, and I say this in all honesty" or " Because I'm afraid to lose you" because they want to feel loved, to feel secure, in short, to satisfy their own selfish desires.

You know, I really hate all these nonsense. Particularly the latter. I hate the fact that you force me to say it out. I know you know that we are all very concern, we are all worried for you. But by resorting to such tactics, you are really too much. Even if you are my friend. These people are nothing but attention seekers to me, and you know I cannot stand such people. I expect people with problems to approach me as calm as possible, though I understand that people need to let it out somehow. And mostly importantly, LISTEN to me when I start trying to solve the problems. Do not lose yourself in your emotions because you will only make me impatient and frustrated. If you cannot make yourself do that, forget about approaching me. I will not want to bother about people like these.

2006-06-17T06:50:00.000+08:00

Good morning!

Haha. I'm turning into a new age vampire. AKA creature of the night who thrives on artificial light.

Look at the time now, it's 7am and I'm still tapping to the tunes of

Jungle Boogie---Parliament Funkadelic

Aeroplane---Red Hot Chilli Peppers

Cant Stop---Red Hot Chilli Peppers

Elevation---U2

I Hear The Bells---Mike Doughty

Hand In My Pocket---Alanis Morisette

La Pastie De La Bourgeosise---Belle & Sebastian

Walking In Memphis---Lonestar

And many many more songs that kept me up through the night. Hahaha. My body clock is effectively screwed. Dont ask me how am I gonna wake up for the exams once the school reopens.XD

Of course there are a few distractions here and there that interfered with my music enjoyment. Like feeling indignant at the way Macheath treats women as commodities. "I love the sex. And a man who loves money, might as well be contented with one guinea, as I with one woman". Amused by the silliness of Polly Peachum and Lucy Lockit as they plead for that jerk's life. Looking at a large collection of soviet posters who were really nice and cool.
http://www.flickr.com/photos/bpx/sets/72057594117941491/
Fascinated by the really thought-provoking Amnesty International latest advertisement campaign.
http://amnesty.ch/f/eminf/2006/celaexiste/01.html Laughing at Lenin because he declared himself as a "Defeatist" which to me is another term for "Loser".

The subject on Lenin reminds me of the sms exchange I have yesterday with my brother as I was studying with Jia wei.

Me: Hey, what's the match now? Who versus who?

Brother: Ar...Why you ask? You are with a guy right?

Me: Yeah I'm with a guy man. A guy name Jia wei.* Haha. And I'm trying to get close with Lenin.

Brother: Who is Lenin?

Me: A hot russian guy who is very very famous. You can look him up online.

Brother: Ha Ha Ha. What a sense of humour.

*Jia wei is a girl.

Heh. I guess I cant blame my brother. He's only secondary two. Probably never heard of Lenin yet.XD

Hmm...Mum's up. And I see the sun. Someone sing me a lullaby.

Letting go

2006-06-10T05:55:00.000+08:00

Just an update before I start my entry proper. Well, my grandmother suffered a stroke about 4 years ago and her condition had recently started to deteriorate. On wednesday her blood sugar started soaring dangerously, accompanied by high fever and her bed sores show signs of infection. She's currently hospitalised and is on the tube.

Mum had been rushing off to hospital everyday to accompany my grandmother ever since she heard the news. I can tell that she's very worried so I try my best to give her support whenever she needs. (Obviously it isnt working, I'm really bad at such stuff.) Anyway, just yesterday when we were walking home after visiting the doctor (for my sprained ankle), we started talking about grandmother and her condition. Mum was talking about how her heart breaks whenever she sees her mother lying on the bed with tubes running in and out and yet she really cannot bear to see her suffer anymore. So I asked her.

"Are you willing to let go?"

"No."

"But you know she will leave us one day. And you cant bear to see her suffer too."

"I dont want to think about it."

"To tell you the truth, I have already accepted that I have lost her 3 years ago when I visited her during chinese new year. She was trying so hard to talk to me but somehow she could not speak. I knew I have lost her then."

"It's not easy as it seems. How will you feel if it is me and not your grandmother lying there in hospital now?"

I will confess that I was momentarily stunned by the last sentence. It really hit me right in the head. What will I have done? Will I have let go so easily? Suddenly I'm not so sure.

NYEC2006

2006-06-10T01:46:00.000+08:00

So the four days come and went, after months of planning, rejection, anger, disappointment laced with hope and joy here and there to keep us going. I cant say that it was a good experience, but I cant say that it was very bad either. Many lessons were learnt, and I believe that all of us grew in some way or other after the event was over.

The first and the last day was perhaps the most significant for me, for that's when I find myself learning the most. On the first day, I was tasked to run the game that had merely been thought out and was never tested before. Naturally I anticipated problems. The first major blow was when the venue had to be changed as the volleyballers had to use the hall. I found myself having to think of solutions and take up responsibility immediately especially when my helpers go "It's your game, you have to tell us what to do." A good lesson on leadership I will say. Still, I have to thank my seniors who gave me advices along the way and helped me to realise my mistakes before anything happen. And I'm really glad that the game went well and the participants enjoyed themselves after everything. XP

The last day was rather short, consisting mainly of the closing ceremony. But what was really significant was during the last debrief, which somehow became an emotional trash talk session by the end of it. Well, at least everyone confessed and voiced out their feelings. It was a good time for self reflection too, as we thought of all that we have done throughout the past few months. It definitely wasnt smooth sailing, but we still manage to get through everything in the end.

And now for the highlight of the day. I was walking down this slope, happily smsing on my phone when I somehow tripped over something and fell, spraining my ankle. Gah. The doctor was laughing when I told him how I sprained it. And everyone agreed that I deserved it. Hmpf. Lesson learnt? Dont sms when you are walking down slopes. The doctor said it will take at least a month or two to heal completely. Now watch me while I lame around for the next few days. Haha.

Overall, I'm glad everything turned out well in the end. Now it's time to face reality. I have only two more weeks to somehow cram two years worth of stuff into my head. I dont know how, and I dont think I'm gonna try. At least not that hard. Hmm...Gonna do things at my own pace I guess. Haha. I'm such a bad student. XD

2006-06-08T22:01:00.000+08:00

Why did it have to turn out like that?

Gah. I was lying. Not only to you, but to myself too. My pride was too strong. But you should have known. The situation would not have allowed me to be honest. The consequences would have been worse. I'm sure you do not want that too.

I might have hurt you.

But I hurt myself too. Perhaps even more than you think.

~~Tell me that it is not too late.~~

Question of the day

2006-05-24T00:36:00.000+08:00

Why do humans try so hard to live longer, when they do not even know how to live in the first place?

This was the question that kept bugging me after watching that documentary on xeno transplantation and animal experimentation during general paper lecture. Other than the gore and blood and what not (which wasnt very scary actually because I have seen the ps2 games that my brother plays), I was most disgusted by the fact that the humans seem to think that it is ok to sacrifice thousands of animals so that they can find some break through. It is okay for a 27 year old man to live and not very important to think about the piglet you are going to extract its heart from to attach it to the neck of a baboon so that you can demostrate how the body will reject foreign tissue to horrified audience. It is okay to play around with genetics, extracting eggs from pigs then injecting them with human DNA so that you can get the one piglet who will carry the cells you want and slaughter 19 other piglets because they are of no use. It's okay, as long as there is hope that your experiments might somehow work and then you can be the LIFE SAVER of the HUMAN race. Animals are just there for you to use, they are "in abundance and their organs can be harvested very easily". Yeah. The fact that a human will die every seven minutes is more important than debating with animal rights activists on whether it is alright to kill thousands of animals in search for THE CURE.

I think the reason why humans are so afraid to die it is because they are afraid of the unknown. The concept of death, I will admit, is quite frightening to everyone. No one exactly know what will happen after you took your last breath, and so it is better to try your best to get your heart beating for as long as possible. Yet while you are well and alive, you do not know what to do with your life. You choose to go with the flow most of the time, largely because you have not much choice anyway,and you do not know what to do in the first place. It's kind of ironical isnt it. Humans try every ways and means to prolong their life by going on healthy diets, and exercising regularly(most do not actually), while scientists spent a large part of their lives researching and experimenting on things that will allow humans to live longer. However, how effective will all these measures be in the first place? Well, they might perhaps prolong your life by maybe a few years at the most and nothing else. And even so, WHAT WILL YOU DO WITH THE EXTRA TIME?

Perhaps we are all thinking the wrong way. We are seeing things in a very narrow and undoubtly selfish perspective. It is more important that I live for as long as possible, than to ponder on what I can do with my gift of life. Well, you can always argue that the extra time will allow you to have more time to think of what you want to do with your life, but my question is a simple one. CAN YOU? Are you willing to put aside all your achievements, everything you are holding on to just for a few moment? Are you willing to sacrifice your life for the sake of others, gaining nothing for yourself in the end? Are you willing to fail and lose it all? Do you even know what you really want in the first place?

I really do not think most people can. So far the only example I can think of is perhaps Mother Theresa. Yeah. Everyone else just tries to hold on to all they have for as long as possible, including their lives. Which is all very stupid because it's like holding a bucket filled with water with holes at the base.

Humans are just selfish. Admit it. We are motivated by greed and the fear of pain. To satisfy our desires, to avoid pain, we are willing to do anything. But it does not sound right that we have to sacrifice members of the same specie to achieve this, so we turn to other living things. Gah. And these living things in question happen to be poor defenceless organisms who just want to survive.

All these ramblings remind me of a question someone asked me years ago. Imagine that one of your loved one is dying and you are at his or her bedside. There is a red button. If you press that button , your loved one will be saved, but somewhere in the world, another person dies. What will you do?

I'm not surprise when nine out of ten people will say that they will press the button. (I happen to be the odd weirdo in case you are wondering) Heh. This is life I guess, better they than me.

2006-05-23T23:06:00.000+08:00

I was walking toward this building when someone suddenly pushes me from behind. I fall, landing in this strange room. The room is very crowded. I see people in school uniforms walking around, talking very loudly. The room is long and very narrow. The ceiling is very high, so high that I do not know where it ends. The room is painted black. The only source of light is the long narrow door. I try to get out of this room, heading towards the only source of light. I push my way through, but the crowd pushes me back. More people stream in from the door. The room is getting more and more crowded. I try to force my way out again, but the crowd pushes me back. Desperate, I try to ask the people around me for help. No one seems to care. Everyone continues to talk to each other, as if I wasnt there at all. Freaked out by now, I try to get towards the door again. The same thing happens. This time it is worse. I am force to look up. Everywhere I see absolute darkness. The world seems to be swirling around me. I try to shout, but no voice comes out from my throat.

Then I woke up sweating, my heart,pulsating painfully against my chest. I felt dizzy and had a sudden urge to vomit. Gah. This is like really one of the worst nightmares I ever had. I think I might be claustrophobic or something. This dream reminds me of Charles Kingshaw in my O level literature book, I'm the king of the castle by Susan Hill. That boy had a rather similar dream too, and he had claustrophobia. Or perhaps I'm just too stress and too tired.

Time to take a break then. If only my schedule will allow me to do so. Sigh.

Thoughts

2006-05-16T00:47:00.000+08:00

What are you so afraid of? She asked.

I'm too afraid to think.

Call it self denial.

Welcome to the Insomniacs Club.

2006-05-14T14:23:00.000+08:00

The weather now reflects my emotions.

I have been hearing thunder for hours but there is just no rain, only a big grey blanket that hung low and threaten to cloud my vision.

Quick shot

2006-05-11T23:52:00.000+08:00

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

------Coldplay, Fix You------

Finally, no more school for this week. And what a trying one it had been so far. My relationship with the matriarch did not get any better, in fact it took a turn for the worse. Well, we havent been talking to each other for one week already, and when she finally broke the silence today, it was full of anger and ridiculous accusations. In short, everything went back to square one. Sigh.

It all started with me forgetting to turn on my alarm clock the previous night and so I wasnt able to wake up at my usual time of 6am. In fact I slept so soundly that I only jolted myself awake when she screamed in my ear, threatening to throw me out of the house if I was to miss another day of school again. My first thought was a "Huh?" before my eyes fell on to the alarm clock on my table. 6.26 am. And she was still shouting at the top of her lungs at me, for she thought that I had tried to skip school. Then she started talking abt me being a weird kid, family disgrace and her "Get-out-of-the-house-and-dont-come-back-you-ungrateful-thing". Of course I tried to ignore her and focus on trying to make it to school in time, but it was hard to concentrate on what you are doing when someone kept shouting at you. And it is so early in the morning, when my temper is at its worst. Well, I could not take it after a while and I TRIED to explain to her that it was really an accident. But SHE dismissed it as an excuse and in fact became even more agitated. Then I realised that time was running out and I would have no choice but to take a cab to school. So I politely requested her to give me my allowance a day in advance so that I can afford a cab to school. Her response really blew up my temper man...

Socrates wrote in 450 BC that

" The children now have luxury, they have bad manners, contempt for authority, they show disrespect for elders and are now tyrants."

Well, I think he is stereotyping us. For a philospher I think this is quite lousy. Havent he considered that the elders might not respect the youths in the first place? That they are a bunch of complacent people with the highest ego you can possibly imagine. I think respect is a two way thing. I'm not saying that because of what happen between me and my mum, but this is what I have observed whenever I try to communicate with an adult. They always believe that they are the wisest of all, and people younger than them has no right to comment on what they do, because they are ALWAYS RIGHT. What nonsense. And they think that they deserve respect for everything, while they dont necessary have to respect you in return. You have to respect them because custom dictates so.( Probably brought on by people like Confucious or Socrates who I believe, never had kids and had the misfortune to see some of the biggest brats in their life time) Bull manure. You cant expect me to respect you when you dont do anything to earn it in the first place. And think of it this way, kids often follow their parents. So if your kids turn out to be brats and tyrants, I think you should start looking at yourself first.

Right. So to de-stress myself after such a terrible week, I turn to music. And it really helps man. Right now I'm feeling much better than I was when I came home from school, when I just feel so burnt out and tired of everything. =)

I'm not afraid
Of anything in this world
There's nothing you can throw at me
That I haven't already heard
I'm just trying to' find
A decent melody
A song that I can sing
In my own company

You've got to get yourself together
You've got stuck in a moment
And now you can't get out of it
Don't say that later will be better
Now you're stuck in a moment
And you can't get out of it

--U2, Stuck In A Moment--

Heh. Well, I think I'm trying to unstuck myself now. And it is not as bad as it seems once you get the hang of it. XD

I ain't happy, I' m feelin glad
I got sunshine in a bag
I'm useless, but not for long the future is comin' on,
it's comin' on, it's comin' on, it's comin' on, it's comin' on

--Gorillaz, Sunshine In A Bag--

Songs like these really make me optimistic again. Catchy tune too! Now I'm hyper enough to start thinking out solutions...=)

Dont forget my current favourite band SNOW PATROL!

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

---Snow Patrol, Chasing Cars---

Paradise now

2006-05-10T00:45:00.000+08:00

Gah. I cant sleep. AGAIN. I think it's because I bathed too late just now. I'm still waiting for my hair to dry. Bleah. I have so many tests later but somehow I dont feel motivated to study for anything at all. Haix.

IF YOU HAVENT WATCHED PARADISE NOW AND IS PLANNING TO WATCH, SKIP THIS.

Anyway, I watched my first public M18 movie last saturday, at the newly opened Picture House. Paradise Now is a movie that has NO VIOLENCE (except for a bloody nose), NO GORE, NO NUDITY. Yeah. At first I was thinking why they had to rate this M18 but by the end of the movie I understood. The movie is disturbing enough in its own right. Ok, spoilers here, haha, but the movie is basically about two friends, Khaled and Said who are tasked to carry out a suicide bombing mission, and all the psychological stuff they undergo. Imagine having a rather good day only to come home and be informed by your religious teacher that you have been chosen for a suicide mission the very next day.How will you react?

I will say that the movie is rather thought provoking. And it's definitely better than my school's drama production. The plot centralised on the themes of friendship and the value of life, which seems to be cheap in this case. I was very irritated especially by the fact that these two guys are so throughly brainwashed( at least to some extent) by their teacher(Jamal), and the fact that their teacher will be rewarded for every successful mission. It's like your teacher sending you to die and later getting paid for his efforts. Gah. The movie also questions the need for such a movement, and whether there are any other alternatives to solve the Palestine problem, which of course, was flatly rejected by the pessimistic extremists. There was also quite a bit of dark humor here and there, the most significant will be the part where the characters visited a video shop where footage of suicide bombers (before carrying out their mission they get a bit of air time, something like saying your will) are available for rent or sale together with the gruesome clips of the collaborators being executed for their deeds. It really questions the logic of this whole suicide movement and the need for it in the first place. Just imagine. When you are dead, you last moments will be distributed like hot cakes to everyone, and some, if not many people will actually profit from your death by selling those videos or CDs. You call this martyrdom? You dont even know if heaven exist in the first place.

Personally, I dont give a damn about patriotism and becoming a martyr. I'm more concern that these people are getting all their priorities wrong. Said, for example, never seems to consider the fact that he will be leaving so many people behind if he is to carry out his mission. His mother, his brother, his girl friend (Cant remember her name sorry). All he cares about is to redeem his father, who was executed for being a collaborator when he was only ten years old.

Anyway, I will not agree with those people who insist that this movie is about advocating suicide bombing etc. To me, this is a movie that focus on a person's thoughts and emotions as he struggled to come to terms with himself.Said is protrayed as a normal man, one who regularly engage in emotional struggle within himself, a man of feelings and morals. (For example when he cannot bring himself to blow up the bus with a kid in it) Khaled is protrayed as a man who cherished friendship and loyalty. (From when he told Said that they will do the mission together and not letting anyone go alone first) But I find his perspection on life kinda conflicting though. Hmmm.

Ok, I'm finally feeling tired. Time for bed to prepare for the challenges later. =)

Books and nature

2006-05-09T23:28:00.000+08:00

THE TABLES TURNED

Up! up! my Friend, and quit your books;
Or surely you'll grow double:
Up! up! my Friend, and clear your looks;
Why all this toil and trouble?

The sun above the mountain's head,
A freshening lustre mellow
Through all the long green fields has spread,
His first sweet evening yellow.

Books! 'tis a dull and endless strife:
Come, hear the woodland linnet,
How sweet his music! on my life,
There's more of wisdom in it.

And hark! how blithe the throstle sings!
He, too, is no mean preacher:
Come forth into the light of things,
Let Nature be your teacher.

She has a world of ready wealth,
Our minds and hearts to bless--
Spontaneous wisdom breathed by health,
Truth breathed by cheerfulness.

One impulse from a vernal wood
May teach you more of man,
Of moral evil and of good,
Than all the sages can.

Sweet is the lore which Nature brings;
Our meddling intellect
Mis-shapes the beauteous forms of things:--
We murder to dissect.

Enough of Science and of Art;
Close up those barren leaves;
Come forth, and bring with you a heart
That watches and receives.

------William Wordsworth--------

Heh. Found this poem just now while I was surfing around Orchard Kino. Ok, this is what I do when I’m bored ok. Haha. Anyway, this is such a cool poem! This poem makes me feel like going on an around the world nature trip right away! At least there's someone who agrees with me that there's more to life than studying "barren leaves". XP

Hmmm, I dont know how come critics dont like this poem, well they probably bury their heads in books all their lives or are just not used to Wordsworth's change of style here. (Think stuff like Daffodils, which is very different from The Tables Turned) Well, I kinda like the casual, persuasive tone of this poem, especially this nonchalant attitude taken by the poet. Heh. I guess it kinda reflect my feelings towards school too. Not that I don’t care about my studies, but I feel that the way they are teaching things in my school are just too narrow minded and limited in scope with only the specific goal of getting everyone to score desirable grades in the end without actually knowing what you are doing. I also don’t like the way the education system here tries to force us to think only in what they want us to think, not allowing us to explore further or discuss about issues. You should just see the way they teach general paper here man. All I can say is, I have either got a very bad teacher or there’s something very wrong with the curriculum. And it’s not just about general paper…the other subjects are not much better. I guess the only subject I’m really interested in now is literature, for it allows you to explore on your own and make your own discoveries. XD

Hmmm. I think Wordsworth also made a good point in the seventh stanza.

Sweet is the lore which Nature brings;
Our meddling intellect
Mis-shapes the beauteous forms of things:--
We murder to dissect.

I find the sentence “We murder to dissect” very freaky. I mean, the images that I get immediately is of humans catching stuff like insects or animals, dip them in some poison to kill them, before dissecting them just to observe them for scientific reasons. Yucks. This is so barbaric man. Come to think of it. I don’t know how come my sister loves dissecting things during her biology classes. >__< And I do have to agree that “Our meddling intellect
Mis-shapes the beauteous forms of things” It seems that Man, in our quest to know as much as possible, to develop to the best of our abilities, tends to neglect the other living things we happen to share our planet with, the flora and fauna of course. Ok, I think neglect is an understatement. It’s more like destroying them, giving them no chance to survive at all. Think of all those rainforests that are cut each year to make way for the humans, and the number of animals that are killed in the process, some getting closer and closer to the fate of the Dodo bird with each passing second. Gah. Sickening isn’t it. The beauty of our world is destroyed in the process, and now we see concrete jungles everywhere, and the air we breathe in filled with all kinds of gaseous poison.

Sometimes I think that people really have no idea what they are doing. And when they finally realize, it might be too late. Well, I can only hope that I wont be there to see the end. XD

So everyone, please follow Mr Wordsworth’s advice, shut those books now and start seeing for yourself the real world that our planet has to offer, not some dead but colourful images you see on processed wood bits----while you still can.

(Haha…I just realize that this is getting to be very practical criticism coupled with lots of irrelevant ramblings. Heh.)

And the world keeps on spinning

2006-05-03T22:45:00.000+08:00

So many things have happened, and I'm caught in the middle of it all. Once one is solved, the other pops up like some mushroom in maple story. Bleah.

I'm freaking worried. Please dont let things happen again. I wont be able to take the pain the second time.

Gah.

All kinds of things have been happening. Take yesterday. Overslept, spent much of of the time trying to call a cab. Then the taxi driver heard the wrong address, wasted both of our precious five minutes. I told him to try to reach school by 7.25am. This guy who obviously suffered from panic anxiety disorder started freaking, took a wrong turn, dont know how to get to SLE. Ended up taking one big round. He was sweating like crazy, shifting in his seat far too often and gripping the steering wheel like it's his life. And he kept muttering "You dont stress me lar. When I'm stress I get confuse." After seeing him nearly crashing into the car in front of the cab, I got freaked myself and started telling him to relax for I will be late anyway. But I make sure that guy paid for his lousy service. I got him to give me a discount for the wasted time (and the scary ride). Heh.

Still, this unplanned consumption has costed me dearly. I'm so broke now. But it's mainly because of over expenditure too. Spending money like my dad owns the bank these days. Heh.

Everyone is playing out their soap opera lives to me. Haha. It's kinda funny when people dont trust their partners, get frustrated or confused over them, then end up coming to me for counselling .Not that I'm good or something. Even strangers on the bus talked to me about their problems.( Yeah, it's true. Freaky huh?) Life is an irony man.

Getting hooked to Snow Patrol songs. Love their music.

Insomnia's setting in again. Somehow I cant sleep at night, even when my body feels tired. Someone give me soma or something.

Going to the opposition rallies was such a cool experience. And can you imagine falling out with your mum over political views? Gah. I think taking history has its consequences. I'm now so skeptical about the government. XP

I just keep thinking. The past is haunting me. I'm worried. I'm worried sick. Please let things be ok.

It's gonna be another sleepless night.

Too close

2006-04-25T21:17:00.000+08:00

Ok, I have a history test tomorrow consisting of five long south east asia lecture notes but I have barely started, being the realist I am I know it's impossible anyway. And I still have not complete that Lear essay. Despite that, I went blog surfing and something posted by Sylvia made me dropped my jaw too.

Charles C. FinnSeptember 1966::

Don't be fooled by me.
Don't be fooled by the face I wear
for I wear a mask, a thousand masks,masks that I'm afraid to take off, and none of them is me.

Pretending is an art that's second nature with me,
but don't be fooled,for God's sake don't be fooled.
I give you the impression that I'm secure,that all is sunny and unruffled with me,
within as well
as without,
that confidence is my name and coolness my game,
that the water's calm and I'm in command
and that I need no one,
but don't believe me.
My surface may seem smooth but my surface is my mask,
ever-varying and ever-concealing.
Beneath lies no complacence.
Beneath lies confusion, and fear, and aloneness.
But I hide this. I don't want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness exposed.
That's why I frantically create a mask to hide behind,
a nonchalant sophisticated facade,
to help me pretend,
to shield me from the glance that knows.

But such a glance is precisely my salvation, my only hope,
and I know it.
That is, if it's followed by acceptance,
if it's followed by love.
It's the only thing that can liberate me from myself,
from my own self-built prison walls,
from the barriers I so painstakingly erect.
It's the only thing that will assure me of what I can't assure myself,
that I'm really worth something.
But I don't tell you this. I don't dare to, I'm afraid to.
I'm afraid your glance will not be followed by acceptance,
will not be followed by love.
I'm afraid you'll think less of me, that you'll laugh, and your laugh would kill me.
I'm afraid that deep-down I'm nothing
and that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game,
with a facade of assurance without and a trembling child within.
So begins the glittering but empty parade of masks,
and my life becomes a front.
I tell you everything that's really nothing,
and nothing of what's everything, of what's crying within me.
So when I'm going through my routine
do not be fooled by what I'm saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I'm not saying,
what I'd like to be able to say,
what for survival I need to say,
but what I can't say.

I don't like hiding.
I don't like playing superficial phony games.
I want to stop playing them.
I want to be genuine and spontaneous and me
but you've got to help me.
You've got to hold out your hand
even when that's the last thing I seem to want.
Only you can wipe away from my eyes the blank stare of the breathing dead.
Only you can call me into aliveness.
Each time you're kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
each time you try to understand because you really care,
my heart begins to grow wings--
very small wings,
very feeble wings,
but wings!
With your power to touch me into feeling
you can breathe life into me.
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
how you can be a creator--an honest-to-God creator-- of the person that is me
if you choose to.
You alone can break down the wall behind which I tremble,
you alone can remove my mask,
you alone can release me from my shadow-world of panic,
from my lonely prison,
if you choose to.
Please choose to.
Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
A long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach to me the blinder I may strike back.
It's irrational, but despite what the books say about man
often I am irrational.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for.
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls
and in this lies my hope.
Please try to beat down those walls
with firm hands but with gentle hands
for a child is very sensitive.

Who am I, you may wonder?
I am someone you know very well.
For I am every man you meet and
I am every woman you meet.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hmmm....Cant help but cringe after reading this. This is just too close to the heart man. It was as if someone broke into my inner realm of sub consciousness and formed it into a poem. Just too freaky. Sometimes I really cant see any meaning to the life I'm living. Everyday is just the same. I think that I would have died a long time ago if not for my friends. Like seriously. You people probably dont know how much your little gestures, understandings, counsellings mean to me. But I do. And I still dont know how to thank you all. Haha.XD

And you come to my mind. I dont know if you read my blog but I really hope that things are going alright for you. This poem really reminds me of the conversations we had. Perhaps that was what come out for your practical criticism paper? Anyway, take care.

Star wars

2006-04-20T22:03:00.000+08:00

Remember the dialogue session aired last wednesday with Minister Mentor Lee trying to educate a bunch of young fools?

Now for the fun version......

http://www.mrbrown.com/blog/2006/04/browncast_jedi_.html

JEDI YOUNGLING: I dont care, we are the future. We deserve a choice! Why should I listen to you?
YODA: I AM YOUR FATHERRRrrrrrr....

A really cool parody. A must listen. Haha.XD

And if you happen to miss the dialogue, dont fret. The link for the full version is here.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-1409818981384963003&q

Have fun!

Just a point

2006-04-16T16:53:00.000+08:00

Images from http://www.snyderstreasures.net/

Well, who will have thought that the man whose hands drew these paintings will later be responsible for the deaths of 11 million people, 9 million of them jews?

Reading the biographies of Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin had certainly set me thinking. One similarity which I find hard to ignore will be the role of the parents in the early lives of these two notorious personalities. Let's look at Hitler first. Hitler's dad was a custom officer, while Hitler wanted to be a painter in his youth. His dad, on learning his ambitions, thought him hopeless and forced him to follow the same career path as him, a custom officer. Of course Hitler,in the spirit of his youth, rebelled. It did not help that he was rejected by the arts school twice for being "not good enough". More drama followed and there you end up with one of the most evil world leader in history.Now Stalin. Young Soso(his pet name) was enrolled by his mother into a seminary who had high hopes of seeing her son one day as a priest.But of course, strict discipline and boring religious studies only worked for certain people and Soso decided to turn to reading more interesting stuff about socialism instead, rebelling in every way. Again the drama and soon you get this guy ruling the whole of Russia.

The similarity I'm seeing here will be the fact that both parents had tried to force their sons into becoming a person THEY EXPECTED THEM to be, not allowing them to develop into people THEY THEMSELVES WANT to be. These parents expect their children to be pieces of clay, to be moulded into whatever form they want finally to be placed in the conformistic society. It's kinda sad isnt it? Hitler's dad and Stalin's mum might have thought that they were doing the right thing, all for the future well-being of their child, dismissing their childs' ambitions and hopes as a childish phase and comforting themselves that they will soon grew out of that. But have they ever consider that they are doing more harm than good? That stamping out the fiery dreams of their children might cause them to advance into adulthood with that innate sense of hatred? History might have been very different if Hitler was encouraged by his dad to pursue his career of becoming an artist or architect, and Stalin to expose himself to new opportunities before finally finding his niche and settling down.

Of course, all parents want the best for their child, not wanting their child to suffer in the harsh reality we live in, society. They want their child to be rich,successful, have a stable income etc. This is perfectly understandable. But the trouble comes when they decide to exert their parental authority into forcing their child into that tiny pinhole labelled "Guranteed Wealth And Success", striping away "Love,Hope And Happiness" in the process. So the child grew up to be a sad solemn adult with all the riches he can ask for yet never knowing what he's missing.

I'm saying all these because this is what I am seeing all around me. Parents acting exactly like those of Hitler's and Stalin's. Take a good example of my good friend. (Shall not name her to avoid embarrassment, but you know who you are anyway!) Coming from a single child family, her parents have always harbour wishes of her becoming financially stable in her adult life, yet with little difficulty and minimum exertion. So they both come up with this brilliant idea of trying to matchmake their child with some rich kid so that she can be a tai tai, benefiting herself and her parents.(Yeah, it's cool to be a mother in law of a rich guy) My friend obviously does not share her parents' ambition and finds it very irritating that her parents are such materialistic people who do not understand her definition of happiness. (She is currently attached but her poor boyfriend was often scorned by her stupid parents)

How horrible. Even in my own family I'm experiencing such troubles, though in a different manner. My parents generally acknowledge my decision, but I can always sense their disappointment whenever I make decisions, for example, choosing the arts over sciences, abandoning maths. I dislike it especially when my mum will tell my brother to never ever end up like me, choosing the arts as he will have to support his family later and studying arts "is nothing." Well, wanna know something? I think science people are made to become dumb robots.Ok, hold your weapons, you fellows in the science, for I'm not insulting you. Contrary to popular beliefs, it is not easy to study a humanity subject as compared to a science one. Subjects like literature and history are very subjective and you will actually be force to think of every possiblities. This is unlike studying a science subject, for example, physics. Every thing that you are doing has probably been tried and tested for the millionth time before you conduct that experiment or do that sum. All you have to do is to remember the formula, extract it from your mind then paste it on paper to score. And what have you learnt in the process? Anything useful about life and its complexities? Think about it.

Haha...I will probably be killed after this entry is published. XD

Hmmm, so what makes a good parent? In my opinion, I think a good parent should be one who will allow his child to develop in any way he wants. Of course, he will have to reel his child back in if he realised that his child is going the wrong lane (eg, smoke), but otherwise, let his child explore and learn in whatever way he wants. A good parent will be the one who listens to the child when he finally makes a decision, and be the first to comfort the child if he failed, offer sensible and non bias advice when consulted, in short, be the one who supports and guides. Most important, respect your child and his ability.

Heheh. I dont know about you, but this is something I will work towards to if I'm ever a parent. =P

Embracing the Storm

2006-04-05T22:51:00.000+08:00

Literature lesson was kinda fun today. For one, I was egged on by my friends and the teacher to read this part where Lear shouts into the storm about his terrible daughters. Well, I think I did a bad job by stumbling through quite a few words, but I find the exercise rather productive after everything. I was actually able to to identify the emotions experienced by poor King Lear, his pain, his grief, his helplessness, his anger,frustration, confusion...everything. It felt great really, for I soon found myself channelling my own feelings by reading aloud. In short, it actually became a source of releasing my own negative emotions. Maybe I should read aloud more to myself to destress next time.=)

Anyway, on my way home after a really long day, there was a sudden flash storm. Those kind that struck without warning and had that fast and furious streak. So there I was, struggling with my old umbrella while trying to walk with the wind and the rain coming against me as if to blow me off my feet, when I sudden realised how useless it was. Man can never win against nature, so why cant we try to embrace and acknowledge its power? I was getting all wet and drenched by this time even with the umbrella, and with my mind still thinking about poor Lear ranting in the storm, I kept my umbrella and proceed to walk out into the storm.

At that instance, I felt as if I was truly free. There was nothing to think of, nothing to stop me. The wind brushed harshly past my body, and the rain, beat upon every part of my body relentlessly. Wetting me, dripping off my face, my clothes. I stood there, feeling the pressure of the rain drops as they achieve contact with my physical self. I felt so vulnerable, so fragile, as if I'm some malleable metal being beaten into shape by the hands of Nature, up, down, left, right, center.

I find myself shivering. Not really with the cold, but in awe. For I had felt and witnessed for myself the power of Nature, and see for myself the fragility of man. Man is always trying to prove himself stronger than Nature, constantly looking for new ways to challenge Nature's power. Yet ultimately, Nature defeats us all. In our lifetime, we might try to achieve the best for ourselves, getting the best out of everything, trying to do things that will only advantage us. We challenge Nature in the process, destroying rainforests, polluting rivers, trying to clone animals, destroying the order of things, trying to prove that we can play God. Yet in the end, we gain nothing, only self destructioon, and pain. We die, a slow, self inflicted death, and death on its own is a form of Nature itself. Clearly, there is no other power in the world stronger than Nature, no other force as merciless. And Man is still too proud to admit it, prefering to live in their self deluded world of egoism.

I wonder if Lear had felt the same way as I did when he stood in the storm, shouting out his grief into the wind and rain. Did he see the irony of the situation? How he had himself upset the natural order of things when he made his foolish decision, and now he could only rant and blame the very force of Nature as he stood in the storm lamenting?Hmmm, I will say that Lear in this context is a good representation of man and his folly.

Ok, enough reflecting and discussions on King Lear. Haha. Maybe Shuwen was right about bringing out the "Lear-ness" in me, for soon after that I just went crazy, running about in the storm, jumping on the deepest puddles,grinning like some retard. I'm not really sure what happen, but I certainly felt very happy at the end of it all. The sudden realisation of the relationship between man and Nature seem to have released me from some form of control I guess, for I just felt so free, so wonderful. Haha. I really dont know how to describe my feelings. But truly, I have grown to acknowledge the power of nature and to respect its existance. Well, I will like to continue more along this line, but it will become very philosophical so I guess I'll leave things at that.=P

"Thou nature, art my goddess. To thy law/My services are bound/" ---King Lear, Willliam Shakespeare

Haha.

2006-04-05T19:29:00.000+08:00

ENTP - The Innovator

Profile by Sandra Krebs Hirsch and Jean Kummerow

ENTPs are known for their quest of the novel and complex. They have faith in their ability to improvise and to overcome any challenges that they face. They are highly independent, and value adaptability and innovation. They may be several steps ahead of others in encouraging and valuing change. They hate uninspired routine and resist hierarchical and bureaucratic structures that are not functional. They need freedom for action.(Yeah this part is quite true)

Living

ENTPs are lively children who question established truths and norms, dream and scheme, and develop unusual ways of doing traditional childhood things. The ENTP child is oriented toward doing the unique, which may mean taking risks and outwitting parental, school, and societal authority. They enjoy creating projects and following interests that are unusual and different.
ENTP children enjoy inventing new toys, dances, and languages. Because they are outgoing in their personality style, they often engage other children in their projects and assign them particular roles to play. ENTPs rarely accept things just as they are. They like to test or explore to see new meanings and relationships. When things do not go as they want, they use their ingenuity and cleverness to bring people and situations around to their point of view.
As young adults, when ENTPs choose a career for themselves, they tend to set flexible goals that allow them to incorporate new information and accommodate to new circumstances when they come along. It is hard for ENTPs not to be able to explore the road not taken. Their byword is keep your options open. Sometimes this flexibility can look like indecision to outsiders.
As adults, ENTPs take advantage of opportunities. Because of their ability to see relationships and connections between seemingly unrelated things, they are able to realize the potential in many things. When they see and opportunity that others have missed, they set action-oriented strategies that allow them the greatest flexibility to achieve the results they want. The worst job for them is working for someone who demands considerable rule following or tries too often to tell or order, rather than make suggestions to the ENTP. Throughout their careers, ENTPs want their work to be enjoyable, with interesting possibilities for applications. Additionally, having their work widely acclaimed and accepted as a unique contribution would be highly gratifying for ENTPs. They also weave in vacations whenever possible and want a flexible work schedule.

Learning and Working

ENTPs are relentless learners. When the subject matter interests them, they are able to find meaning in whatever they are studying. Knowledge is important to them, but they may not feel the need to show this to their teachers and therefore may be somewhat lackadaisical about assignments and tests. (TOTALLY TRUE! Haha...now you people know why I dont hand up my work on time...Great excuse huh?=D)
ENTPs use their enthusiasm and energy to get others involved in their learning. They learn through give-and-take discussions and by questioning and challenging others. They are quick, verbal, and logical, preferring to use their skills in interactions with others. ENTPs look at the logical foundations in others' thinking and build on them to develop their own conceptual systems. They want to be taught concepts rather then facts. Models are important to them. They typically absorb their teacher's material and present it in a framework that ties all of the elements together.
They like to challenge their teachers and classmates and enjoy competitive learning tasks through which they can show their conceptual versatility. They may also enjoy independent study in which they can pursue and area of interest.(Sadly, the school I'm currently suffering in does not offer such stimulation.)
ENTPs contribute and innovative, versatile, and enterprising approach to work. They view limitations as challenges to be overcome and look for new ways to do things. They need to find a niche for themselves in order to be free to maneuver. They prefer the start-up phase of a project rather than the followthrough or maintenance phase. Once the project is designed, they prefer to turn it over to someone else. They take initiative and inspire others toward greater accomplishments and challenges.
ENTPs usually find work that involves an analytical, entrepreneurial, and creative focus. They tend to tolerate ambiguity well. They want to be in situations in which they can take intellectual risks and meet challenges. To perform in their best fashion, they prefer flexibility and versatility. While they like status and titles, they ultimately want to be judged on their innovative accomplishments. They take advantage of changing circumstances and work those circumstances into their plans. As a result, they function effectively in chaotic times.
Some occupations seem to be more appealing to ENTPs: actor, chemical engineer, computer analyst, credit investigator, journalist, marketeer, photographer, psychiatrist, public relations worker, sales agent, and other occupations that allow them to be innovative.(This is cool, cose most of the jobs I have thought of are mentioned here)

Loving

For the ENTP, falling in love occurs when they feel that there is a good fit with the other person. Often within the first meeting, ENTPs will know whether the relationship has any real potential. ENTPs may find it difficult to commit to anyone until the right person comes along. During this period, ENTPs explore the closeness until they can be certain that they have looked at all of the possibilities. Because of this, they are not likely to settle down early.(Someone's gonna lose her bet!Haha) When they do become involved in a relationship, they generally want to maintain as much independence and freedom as their loved one can tolerate. Their mates may need to have high self-esteem and to be independent themselves in order to accept the ENTP need for freedom and novelty.
For ENTPs, falling out of love, which may not always occur, results when their vision of the relationship does not square with reality. Sometimes they will select someone who offers stability and comfort and ENTPs later will become bored with the stability. When scorned, ENTPs use their powerful and broadreaching analysis to explain the reasons why the relationship was not good in the first place; additionally, they may become competitive with their former partner and work hard to win. ENTPs do not like to lose at anything they undertake.(Hmmmm...)

Profile by David Keirsey

ENTP's wish to exercise their ingenuity in the world of people and things. Found in about five out of every hundred people, ENTP's extravert intuition; thus they deal imaginatively with social relationships as well as physical and mechanical relations. They are very alert to what is apt to occur next, and always sensitive to possibilities.
ENTP's are good at analysis, especially functional analysis, and have both a tolerance for and enjoyment of the complex. Usually enthusiastic, ENTP's are apt to express interest in everything, and thus are a source of inspiration to others, who find themselves caught up by the ENTP's enthusiasm. This type is delighted over many things and so is easy to please, often showing the effervescence of their NF counterpart, the ENFP. The ENTP is the most reluctant of all the types to do things in a particular manner just because that is the way things always have been done. They characteristically have an eye out for a better way, always on the lookout for new projects, new activities, new procedures.
ENTP's are confident in the value of their pursuits and display a charming capacity to ignore the standard, the traditional, and the authoritative. As a result of this open attitude, they often bring a fresh, new approach to their work and their lives. The ENTP is a keen judge of the pragmatics of both the social and the mechanical, and may become expert at directing relationships between means and ends.
Where the introverted NTP sees design as an end in itself, the extraverted NTP sees design as a means; the end is the invention that works, the prototype that is replicable. Ideas are valuable when and only when they make possible actions and objects. "It can't be done" is a challenge to an ENTP and elicits a reaction of "I can do it." They are not, however, the movers of mountains as are the INTJ's. Rather, the faith of the ENTP's is in their ability to improvise something, and they display an unusual talent for rising to the expediency of a situation. Superficially, ENTP's resemble ESTP's in their derringdo. But the focus of the ENTP is on the competency and the sense of power this gives, rather than on the feeling of freedom of action experienced by the ESTP.
ENTP's can be fascinating conversationalists, able as they are to follow the complex verbalizations of others. They may deliberately employ debate tactics to the disadvantage of their opponents, even when the "opponents" are close associates and valued friends. ENTP's are the most able of all types to maintain a one-up position with others. (Haha...I guess I cant deny the truth of this one!)They value adaptability and innovation and thus respond quickly and adeptly to another's shifting position. They may even be several jumps ahead. The ENTP, talkative and motivating, is often the life of an enterprise. The ENTP can be an entrepreneur and cleverly makes do with whatever or whoever is at hand, counting on ingenuity to solve problems as they arise, rather than carefully generating a detailed blueprint in advance. A rough draft is all that an ENTP needs to feel confident and ready to proceed into action, counting on the ability to improvise as a situation develops.(Hmmm...Is this good or bad?)Because of this tendency to depend on ingenuity and improvision, they may neglect very necessary preparation at times. After repeated failures in situations where improvising has met with defeat, the ENTP may develop ways of avoiding such situations as a substitute to thorough preparation.

Career

ENTP's can succeed in a variety of occupations, as long as the job does not involve too much humdrum routine. At this point, they become restless. If a project in which they are engaged is no longer challenging, they tend to lose interest in that project and fail to follow through-often to the discomfort of colleagues.
Seldom are ENTP's conformists. ENTP's enjoy outwitting the system and use rules and regulations within the system to win the game-whatever it may be. They understand well the politics of institutions and deal with these realities very well, always aiming to understand the people within the system rather than to judge them.(Grins*) ENTP's are good at innovative projects and can administer them well if dull routine is not involved. They usually are outstanding teachers, continuously devising new participative ways to make learning exciting for the students. As an employee, an ENTP may work against the system just for the joy of being one-up. For ENTP's, to be taken-in, to be manipulated by another, is humiliating; this offends their joy in being masters of the art of one-upmanship.(Well,I'm such a big headed ego!) ENTP's are the natural engineers of human relationships and human systems. Their good humor and optimistic outlook tend to be contagious, and people seek out their company.

Home

As mates, ENTP's tend to create a lively living environment. They are gregarious, laugh easily and often, and are typically in good humor. Orderliness in the routines of daily living is not apt to inspire them; they usually solve this problem by mobilizing those around them. Tom Sawyer illustrated this talent when he solved the problem of getting Aunt Polly's fence whitewashed. Life with ENTP's is likely to be a daring adventure; they can lead families to physical and economic dangers. ENTP's improvise to remain unaware that they do not have the necessary knowledge of the situation to ward off such dangers.(LOLX...No wonder my family's so freaked by me)
If the mate of an ENTP is not competitive, he or she is likely to find the one-up/one-down transactions somewhat wearing. If the mate is competitive, the result might be conflict. Although usually good providers of economic necessities, ENTP's at times engage in brinkmanship with their careers, placing them in jeopardy and behaving as if unaware of the consequences; they may thus offer unnecessary challenges to those who have power over their professional success. When challenges elicit negative responses from superiors, ENTP's are apt to react with delight at having an opportunity to improvise a solution to the crisis and, more often than not, they succeed in doing so.
ENTP's are likely to have all sorts of hobbies and to be experts in unexpected areas, but they are not apt to share these hobbies with their mates or children in the sense of teaching them. In fact, ENTP's may be very inconsistent in the attention given to offspring. Usually, it is feast or famine. ENTP's have a lively circle of friends and are interested in their ideas and activities. They are usually easy-going, seldom critical or nagging. At their worst, they can show undependable, fickle characteristics and may be rather easily discouraged. (Hmm? Is this true?)

Mates

The inventive ENTP finds in the ISFJ a neat complementarily for his enterprise, for in the ISFJ he finds the supreme conservator. The conservator, broadly conceived, is morally bound to ensure the material and legal welfare of his or her charge. The inventor, also broadly conceived, is bent on replacing whatever tools, operation, or enterprise now exists with a better one. Out to exercise his ingenuity in bettering things, the ENTP is of necessity iconoclastic and tends to be so seen. So he can get into a bit of trouble with the elders, who usually are not all that pleased to see their tried-and-true tools, operations, and enterprises blithely set aside for the ENTP's better mousetrap. The ISFJ, mated to this inventive rascal, takes on the task of squaring things with the establishment. (Siti and Sylvia! Tell me if I bully you people alot?! Hahaha...)
The ENTP also may be attracted to his opposite on the N side: he approaches the INFJ. But the INFJ is humorously and preposterously different from the seemingly similar ISFJ. In the INFJ lies the soul of the "author"-the meaning-giver, the mystic, the oracle. Perhaps the INFJ is a conservator of the soul, a sort of messiah. At any rate, there is something about the "author" (very broadly conceived) which the ENTP covets. Prometheus had to pay dearly for giving fire to man. The Promethian ENTP may figure that, though his INFJ mate may not rescue his body from the vultures, at least the INFJ might rescue his soul from Hell.(Lolx...I'm positively guffawing at this one.Erm...so Faith, are you gonna save my soul?HAHA!;D)

Got this from: http://www.geocities.com/lifexplore/

Quite accurate actually. Haha. Now what do you think?Feel free to comment!=)

The new oppressive regime has began

2006-03-26T15:56:00.000+08:00

Somewhere in a Day Detention Faculty, (DDF) an important meeting is taking place. The meeting is chair by Mr Duckoo, a recently appointed head of the DDF to replace the former Mrs Hobfoot, who, after a long and traumatizing term has finally decided that she had seen enough horrors in her job description to give her nightmares for the rest of her life. She was recently found to be suffering from Severe Trauma Shock and spent the rest of her days engaging in peaceful recreational pastimes like gardening and calligraphy.

Now back to the meeting.

"WHAT'S THIS?" yells a very disgruntled Mr Duckoo. "The inmates of DDF are getting more and more rebellious everyday! Our highly advanced and trained droids are finding it harder and harder to control these seventeen to nineteen year olds!Daily brainwashing sessions have been found to be totally useless! How am I going to answer to the powers that be?" Shouts an obviously frustrated Mr Duckoo from his tall platform. "I want some answers NOW!" He screams at his team of dedicated subjects, kicking his dangling legs against the back of his chair in agitation.

"Mr Duckoo, our checks have shown that there is nothing wrong with the droids. The daily brainwashing sessions have been found to cause an admirable increase in the stress levels of the inmates, some of them even showing signs of insanity. However, there seems to be other factors hindering our process of extreme conditioning, and these requires immediate correction. I'm afraid that if conditions are allowed to deteriorate further, the currently batch of inmates scheduled to be released at the end of this year might not be good enough for the government's usage. This might in turn affect the rank and prestige of the DDF, and the parental units might not trust us enough to deposit their products for further conditioning in times to come." Replies Mr Peckwig, glancing nervously at the platform occasionally.

"AND WHAT WILL BE THE HINDERING FACTORS THAT YOU SPOKE OF?" Mr Duckoo shouts, showering droplets of salivary amylase at his team.

Mr Peckwig faints.

"Sir, it seems that more stringent disciplinary measures are needed to be enforced on the inmates, for I have noticed that these rebellious inmates often turn up for information input sessions in the morning with severe breaches in the standard attire. The number of late comers has also shown increase in the recent months. Inmates have feedbacked that the information input sessions are held too early in the morning and the DDF's location is too far away from their comfort zone. However, I will advise you Mr Duckoo, to ignore all these as they are just stupid excuses. These inmates are getting too bold for their own good."Replies Mr Halwark, well known for his no nonsense attitude.

"Good point Halwark,"Mr Duckoo nods approvingly at his most loyal subject."So how are we going to go about torturing these inmates?"He asks, images of public whippings and humiliations running through his mind.

"Sir, I will suggest that a new and tougher set of rules to be written and given to each inmate. Failure of which the condemned inmate shall face serious consequences such as being made to stay back after information inputs sessions or be given more intense brainwashing sessions.Also, we can threaten them with the involvement of their parental units. This should do the trick as inmates hate to endure Nasty Advisory Guidance Sessions (N.A.G.S) which will be activated by the parental units upon such actions." Responds Ms Saicophant, smiling sweetly at Mr Duckoo.

"Very well thought out, Saicophant," Mr Duckoo smiles back. "That's it then. This is what we will do. It's time to show our power against these degrading youngsters. Mrs Hobfoot was too soft on them. It's time to make them suffer, to know who is boss. Me! Me!I shall rule you all! Haha...." Mr Duckoo said, before letting out a long manic laugh. Mr Peckwig reaches hurriedly for the bottle of medicine in Mr Duckoo's pocket and shove two tablets into his mouth.

" So Halwark, I will expect you to finalise the details of the new rules and punishments by the end of this week. Saicophant shall work with you. I want to give a talk to these inmates as soon as possible." Mr Duckoo said smoothly, as if what was said earlier had never taken place.

"Meeting dismissed." He manages to yawn, before climbing down the platform slowly.

_______________________________________________________________

DISCLAIMER: This story is ENTIRELY FICTIONAL. Any resemblance to persons LIVING OR DEAD is purely COINCIDENTAL.

Read and laugh

2006-03-26T15:34:00.000+08:00

2006 BRIEF GUIDELINES FOR STUDENT ATTIRE & APPEARANCE

Objective: All students are expected to maintain neat appearance and good personal hygiene.
SPECIFICATIONS
BOYS
GIRLS

Hair
P Well-groomed and neatly in place
P Not touching the collar or ears
P No long side-burns, moustaches or beards
P No colouring, tinting or highlighting of hair
P Long hair length must be neatly tied up
P No colouring, tinting or highlighting of hair

Jewellery
P No earrings/studs
P Necklaces/Chains must be hidden by the college shirt
P No other types of jewellery is permitted unless due to religious reasons and permission from the college admin is granted
P One ear stud per ear
P No make up to be worn when in college attire
P Necklaces/Chains must be hidden by the college blouse.
P No other types of jewellery is permitted unless due to religious reasons and permission from the college admin is granted

Shirt/Blouse
P Must be of acceptable size/not too big
P Must be neatly tucked in
P College pin must be displayed prominently on the left shirt/blouse collar

Pants/Skirt
P Must fit snugly at the waist
P Not too tight-fitting or excessively baggy
P Must fit snugly at the waist
P Must be of approx, 2.5 cm above the knee (max.)

College Tie
P Worn on Wednesdays between 7.30 am to 2.15 pm or whenever instructed to do so
P Tie knot must be positioned at the shirt/blouse collar
P Tip of the tie should reach the upper tip of the college pants/skirt whilst standing

Shoes & Socks
P Must fully conceal the feet
P Height must not exceed the ankle region ie. no high cut shoes or shoes reaching the calf region
P No luminous or unacceptable shoe/lace colours
P Socks must be worn

____________________________________________________________

Serious offences or offences that jeopardises the college reputation or image, eg.:

· Open defiance
· Cheating
· Smoking/Consumption of controlled drugs
· Theft
· Vandalism
· Gambling
· Possession/Distribution of Undesirable materials (eg. Pornography, pirated intellectual property, etc)
· Defaming members of the college staff or inciting ethnic discord (either verbally or in written form ie. In weblogs)
· Other acts that may fall into this category

Chaucer

2006-03-26T12:29:00.000+08:00

Geoffrey Chaucer Hath a Blog

http://houseoffame.blogspot.com/

Ok, It's not his blog really, but a literature fanatic's from London who probably spent his days studying Chaucer's work. Well, he did indicate in his profile that he likes A Knight's Tale and Canterbury's Tales. Haha. I have found my goal. I'm gonna decipher the entries of this guy as soon as my school starts on A Knight's Tale. Old English is quite interesting really, the beginning of our english and german language. Heh. Soon you will find me blogging like that guy.I think it's quite an effective code actually.=P

By the way, so far the only thing I can understand from this guy's blog is "Ich thonke yow from the bottome of my tankarde." Haha. This guy is serious man. He even posted extracts of Chaucer's work, and conduct some question- answer in Old English. Interesting.

Here's an example:

Sir -Ich wishe for adyce in the matter of fashion and armes. Ys it verrily a mistake to wear a lilyflour in my helm? (Ich have a shylde of golde.)

Thopas

Mon Sire Thopas,By seinte Jerome, finallye someone who kan spelle! Messire Thopas, yow seem a man fair and gent, and Y sholde muchel relish for to tellen yowre tale. Ich shalle have myne peple calle yowre peple. As for the lilye? It dependeth how whethir yow wolde ben 'easte coaste' or 'weste coaste.'

Le Vostre G--

My betrothed, a most wicked man, betrayed me near as bad as Tereus did Procne. His woman of choice commited, though, that villainy which women do best, and tempted him away. Presently it is not legal, where I live, to have either of them killed for this treachery -- what shall I do to avenge the wrong they both have done to me, and to my virtue? Their joy at my grief does pain me so.

-Cor Fracta EstMa Cher Coeur Brisee

Thoughe y love a goode revenge tragedie as much as the nexte guye, y muste counsel yow to a bettre path. Yow sholde maken pece and kepe faithe, not wyth thyne betrothede nor wyth this womanlie Diomede, but rathir with yowrselfe. For vengence aperteneth and longeth al oonly to juges. Remembre yow that pacience is a greet vertu of perfeccioun, and remembre that ther are tymes ordained unto al thynges by the first moevere -- of the ookes, and of the hard stones, and of man and womman seen we also, in youthe as well as age, alle shal be dumped , a kyng as shall a page - som dumped on dates, som dumped by telephone, some dumped in compaignie, som dumped allone - ther helpeth noght, al goth that ilke weye.And thus, take two pintes of hagen dasz dulce de leche, a ful seson of buffie the vampyre slayre, and calle me in the morninge.

Le Vostre G

Nice poem

2006-03-23T15:49:00.000+08:00

Hawk Roosting

I sit in the top of the wood, my eyes closed.
Inaction, no falsifying dream
Between my hooked head and hooked feet:
Or in sleep rehearse perfect kills and eat.

The convenience of the high trees!
The air's buoyancy and the sun's ray
Are of advantage to me;
And the earth's face upward for my inspection.

My feet are locked upon the rough bark.
It took the whole of Creation
To produce my foot, my each feather:
Now I hold Creation in my foot

Or fly up, and revolve it all slowly -
I kill where I please because it is all mine.
There is no sophistry in my body:
My manners are tearing off heads -
The allotment of death.

For the one path of my flight is direct
Through the bones of the living.
No arguments assert my right:

The sun is behind me.
Nothing has changed since I began.
My eye has permitted no change.
I am going to keep things like this.

-- Ted Hughes

I love this poem so much! Sets all my imaginations and fantasies off. Haha. I can almost imagine myself as the hawk you know. Ahhh...I dont know why, but I have fallen in love with this poem. The hawk has always been one of my favourite birds and this poem is truly excellent! I love the way Ted Hughs protrayed the hawk....Ahhh....the confidence, the egoism, the boldness, the arrogance, the precision, sleekiness.

Hmm...on closer examination, I think the main reason why I love this poem was that the hawk was an exact personification of what I have always wanted to be in life. You know, that kind of confidence, the ambition driven kind. Living according to my own rules, my own philosophy of life, not affected by any external influence, no matter how harsh, "No arguments assert my right". Haha. Now you know my arrogant and stubborn nature.=P I like to be in control, to feel that I am in charge of a situation. To do what I like. To have the maturity to know what's right or wrong, and make my own decisions.

Hmm, that's enough for now I guess. I'm suppose to be studying for my literature paper tomorrow! Yeah here I am, doing an impromptu analysis of the poem and myself. (Actually that was quite fun!) Ahh...I want my boyfriend to be like the hawk, the perfect gentleman! Ok...that's very out of point. I'm starting to ramble. Better go now. Maybe I will do a more in depth analysis after my test tomorrow.=)

Politics

2006-03-22T21:10:00.000+08:00

Just had an interesting conversation with Joshua regarding politics, opposition parties and censorship in Singapore...Something to think about yeah.

$(021,007,186)[·$12a·$(021,007,186)][·$12 ad infinitium© ·$(021,007,186)][·$12O·$(021,007,186)]·0 says:
actually you know something
·$(021,007,186)[·$12a·$(021,007,186)][·$12 ad infinitium© ·$(021,007,186)][·$12O·$(021,007,186)]·0 says:
im in support of brainwashing. u shld be too
·$(021,007,186)[·$12a·$(021,007,186)][·$12 ad infinitium© ·$(021,007,186)][·$12O·$(021,007,186)]·0 says:
cos i guess we are immune to it. mostly
·$(021,007,186)[·$12a·$(021,007,186)][·$12 ad infinitium© ·$(021,007,186)][·$12O·$(021,007,186)]·0 says:
it keeps ppl in line.
[P3St] Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. says:
hmmm...i dun think i'm immune to brainwashing
[P3St] Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. says:
i like to sneak out of plato's cave
·$(021,007,186)[·$12a·$(021,007,186)][·$12 ad infinitium© ·$(021,007,186)][·$12O·$(021,007,186)]·0 says:
thats cheating.
·$(021,007,186)[·$12a·$(021,007,186)][·$12 ad infinitium© ·$(021,007,186)][·$12O·$(021,007,186)]·0 says:
you're only supposed to look at the shadows...
··$(021,007,186)[·$12a·$(021,007,186)][·$12 ad infinitium© ·$(021,007,186)][·$12O·$(021,007,186)]·0 says:
did the sunlight blind your eyes?
[P3St] Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. says:
it was hard at first, but i adapted
[P3St] Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. says:
to be able to see the real wonders is far better than self delusion
[P3St] Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. says:
=)
·$(021,007,186)[·$12a·$(021,007,186)][·$12 ad infinitium© ·$(021,007,186)][·$12O·$(021,007,186)]·0 says:
sometimes ignorance is bliss
·$(021,007,186)[·$12a·$(021,007,186)][·$12 ad infinitium© ·$(021,007,186)][·$12O·$(021,007,186)]·0 says:
die happy when it CAVES in,
·$(021,007,186)[·$12a·$(021,007,186)][·$12 ad infinitium© ·$(021,007,186)][·$12O·$(021,007,186)]·0 says:
or fight for all eternity and never attain rest
[P3St] Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. says:
you got a point there
·$(021,007,186)[·$12a·$(021,007,186)][·$12 ad infinitium© ·$(021,007,186)][·$12O·$(021,007,186)]·0 says:
u could gain happiness from fighting though
[P3St] Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. says:
haha...
[P3St] Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. says:
so you wanna remain in the cave?
·$(021,007,186)[·$12a·$(021,007,186)][·$12 ad infinitium© ·$(021,007,186)][·$12O·$(021,007,186)]·0 says:
well. after evaluating left and right and hearing most sides of the story
·$(021,007,186)[·$12a·$(021,007,186)][·$12 ad infinitium© ·$(021,007,186)][·$12O·$(021,007,186)]·0 says:
i dunno what to do.

Lolx. That was so amusing. Anyway, for the recent GP block test, I was stupid enough to do the question "Young people today do not really care about politics. Is this true for your country?" I think my essay sounded like a commentary or a blog entry. This is BAD. And it was hard trying to be subtle in slamming the government. Haha. Blame it on me reading too much stuff on www.singabloodypore.blogspot.com. Paper two was terrible. I find passage B very controversial. I mean, what's the link between NAZISM and MULTICULTURISM? This is just evidence that the school has finally realised the need to improve the GP standards by setting hard stuff so we will all freak and die. Yeah man. Hope to scrape through this time.

As for the history paper on tuesday, I think I'm done for. Hoping for a pass I guess. Econs was a major screw up today. I simply do not know what I was writing, and how to answer the questions. I was smoking most of the time, and MCQ was especially infuriating, for I remembered doing some of the questions but cant recall exactly how to do them! Sigh. I guesss I need more practice.

Literature will be the last paper on friday. Let's hope for some form of redemption to take place.

To study for the sake of learning

2006-03-17T18:44:00.000+08:00

I will be having my block test in two days time. Surprisingly, I'm not feeling anything yet, while almost all my friends are stressing over the lack of time in their revision. It's time to ask myself why. I think the main reason why I'm feeling this way will be that I'm treating the block tests as a practice for myself. My oh-so-wonderful new principal has recently declared that the bottom 20 percent of the cohort shall faced the prospect of being forced to come to school from 9-5 everyday during the june holidays, or if it's really bad, go back to year one.It was also this announcement that has caused so much stress and anxiety amongst the student body.

Personally, I think that the new principal, to put it bluntly, is a highly ambitious man who believes in ruling with threats and intimidation for the sake of improving the school's standings. Well, being the rebellious student that I am, I am definitely not gonna have my feathers ruffled by such feeble attempts to make me study. To be studying just because I'm threatened to will be a shame to my pride. I have recognised that it is actually our responsibility to make the effort to study. It's not about getting good grades, or the fear of being retained. It's about gaining the knowledge and having the interest to like what we are doing.

Therefore, I'm doing things at my own pace. This block test will just be a practice to indicate how much more work I need to put in, which I suspect will be a fairly large amount anyway. Over the past few days I have been studying with the main aim of preparing for the A levels at the end of the year. Hmm...the progress wasnt been very good though, I have so far covered only 50% for each subject, give or take.But at least I feel that I'm actually learning something, and that is progress to me anyway. Special thanks to Allan yesterday for his online tutoring on the keynesian theory with his tablet PC and MSN. Haha. And the discussion with Mrs Gan on tuesday regarding King Lear has also made me developed a strong interest in the book. My findings with Great Expectations also provide some great insights into society's problems and injustice. Yupz. I'm kinda worried for SEA history though. The topic has never grew on me and I still find myself drifting off whenever I start on The Cambridge History To South East Asia. Hmmm...More effort needed I guess..And I am still having some doubts on dealing with source base questions. Argh.

Yeah. I have to admit that I will not be able to complete my revisions in time(Most probably you will find me cramming desprately at the last minute!), and the danger of becoming one of those condemned people under the new totalitarian regime is very real. But then, who cares? At least I know which direction I'm taking. And I'm actually begining to enjoy studying. =)

Rants.

2006-03-06T15:53:00.000+08:00

I did not go to school today. Woke up at 4 am to a nasty bout of diarrhoea and stomachache. Then at 6am I rushed to the toilet for the second time. Decided not to go to school because I dont want to be rushing in and out of the toilet for the whole day.

The female parental unit was of course, furious at my decision. She kept saying that I was just trying to find an excuse. Old hag, I really wanted to go to school ok? But I realised that there is no point rushing to school only to end up not concentrating. And I am really blardy hell sick, NOT FAKING IT as you had assumed. Yes. You compare me to your dear wonderful second daughter. The freaking nerd who LOVES SCHOOL so freaking much that she would endure a fever of 40 degree or the torment of stomachache for a whole day in school. I'm VERY SORRY then, that I cannot live up to your expectations. I have already admitted long ago that I'm a freaking failure and yes, I'm a big disgrace to the family. Yes. I'm sorry that I have disappointed you. That I have a lousy immune system. I'm sorry that I'm stupid and retarded. I'm sorry that I cannot force myself to sit down and study the whole day like my sister can. I'm sorry that I'm lazy, that I'm not a nerd. That I choose the arts stream because I am a loser in science. I'm sorry that you have to be my mum.

You know what hurts me most? It's when you tell me to redraw from school since I am such a loser. That you threaten to throw me out of the house because you dont want to see me failing in life. You have failed to understand why I'm behaving this way. Do you know what happened on saturday? Do you know what I'm going through? No. You have never asked. All you do is to ring up those freaking old witches who will agree with you that you are right in your decisions and that I'm beyond help.

I want so much to hate you. But I know I never will. Do you know something? When you kept screaming about ringing the school up to redraw me from school, I wanted so much to scream and yell back. But then, what's the point? You will only be angier, and I'll just be losing my voice. And the scariest thing of all is that I actually think that it will be a good idea to quit school now and get out of this house. It will be a form of release. No more pressure to succeed. No more juggling things like school, cca and other problems. No more getting discriminated because I'm in arts. No more putting on that false front. No more trying to hold on to things I cannot control.

Life totally sucks. Let me escape from this nightmare. I dont know what is happening to me recently. I keep getting such terrible mood swings. Blaming myself for getting sick. Losing all motivation. I find myself getting further and further away from things like CCA, or my commitment at MINDS. It's so hard to give genuine smiles lately.

Yes, I admit I hate school. I hate JC life, but I was really unwell today and you have no right to disbelieve me. You keep saying that you will not care about me anymore, then why do you still bother? Let me die and rot. You dont even have to acknowledge me.

Bitter and burn

2006-03-05T00:59:00.000+08:00

It's 1 am in the morning and I just cant sleep. I think I have been thinking about too much things to even get a good sleep. Anyway, it's a weekend so I guess it should be quite managable. Was feeling kinda down today, studying history and reading modernist literature and world newspapers probably parted a large part in this. Not to mention the whirlwind of emotions I'm experiencing right now...

And so with such negative feelings and thoughts I decided to look for some form of release that will send me into blissful obilivion. An image of my parents drinking before going to bed came to my mind...and I thought, WHY NOT? So to the alcohol cupboard I went and began looking at some of the collections. Eventually I decide to try DOME french liqueur as there was only a quarter of it left.(meaning that my parents have been drinking quite a lot of that) Some time ago, my friends have raved on pouring alcoholic stuff over ice cream for tt "extra" sensation. Being a naturally curious experimentor, I decided to try it. It was quite nice actually...and liqueur is actually quite sweet if you sip it slowly. Then I decide to become adventurous and took a big long gulp of the liquid.

The effect was terrible.

First the extreme bitterness, then the extreme burning sensation that ran from my oesophagus all the way to my stomach. At the same time, my oesophagus reacted by contracting while I tried to prevent myself from puking. My stomach felt as if it was bloated and I started burping in order to feel better. The whole thing was over in seconds but it definitely felt much longer to me.

Never am I gonna touch that vile stuff AGAIN.

Now the after effects. I dont think I'm drunk though my face and ears are definitely pinkish. I'm currently having difficulty typing and I will get confuse suddenly or forget my words, something which SHUWEN is having a great time teasing me about and her trying to get me to confess my secret love. Oh yes..I'm not drunk ok?

I'm sweating like a pig, despite the air con. Damn. I'll stick to my coffee at social gatherings next time. I dont understand why people like alcohol man. Bitter and burn.

What is wrong?

2006-02-24T21:53:00.000+08:00

Check out this link http://ohmylovelyworld.blogspot.com/2006/01/sexuality-workshop-teaches-wrong.html

This issue was brought up by one of the volunteers in MYG-AMK who happened to be a staff working in MOE headquarters. He asked Amelia and me (we are one of the youngest volunteers who are still schooling!) this question. Do you think that it is okay for schools to follow AJC's examples in asking religious groups like Family Life Society to come to talk to students about sex and its risks? My answer will be a definite NO.

Firstly, schools like AJC, or even my junior college, should not try to influence the mindset of 18 year olds through religion. I mean, if it's a school with religious backgrounds I can understand, but junior colleges are suppose to focus more on giving students the right set of moral values to see them through university and life. Promoting religious values is certainly not their top priority. I feel that they should invite a more objective source of information to speak to the students about social issues like sex and AIDS. In fact, I'm thankful to my school for inviting Action For AIDS (If I'm not wrong) last year to talk to us about this issue. They were certainly more factual and less bias.

I was very much appalled to read (or hear from my AJC friends) about how FLS was trying to brainwash students with lies about how condoms arent safe because apparently (I wonder these smarties got their reliable information) the HIV virus can pass through the PORES of the condom material. From what I know in a report by an american science journal and the UN WHO, condoms are suppose to be 99.1% effective in preventing HIV transmssion. Of course, the 0.9% is mainly due to stuff like incorrect useage or contact with other uncovered areas, but I will say that 99.1% is quite high on the safety level. Further more, I disagree with FLS that homosexuality is a MENTAL ILLNESS. Please, there has been so many research done in the recent years showing SCIENTIFIC evidence that homosexuality is not a form of mental illness, there are other causes such as hormone imbalance, genetic malfunction etc. Of course I will not deny that the main factor is still in questionable doubt, but saying that it is a mental illness is like saying elephants are blue. A mental illness is defined as a condition of a brain, and IT CAN BE CURED. Right now there is still a debate going on on whether homosexuality is curable.

Then on the question of abstinence. Personally, I do agree that abstinence is the safest way to prevent any trouble and supports this but I think there is no point telling such stuff to a teenager who has already done it. It is true, that the number of teens who "did it" before they are 18 are on the rise (dont believe me check out straits times), and I dont think these people will believe in such stuff. In fact I think the main focus should be on telling them to play safe, or maybe you can try boring them with all the scientific information. (Like they do in my secondary school science lessons) Using religion or scaring them will not do.

Therefore, all I want to say is that FLS was really lying and scaring students that day. It's not mainly the fact that they are religious and therefore bias, but the fact that they tell lies to the students who might get confuse.(If they are stupid to do so) I dislike the way they tried to get to their objective and deluding the students in the process.

Now on a personal level. I think that given the kind of society we are in today, everyone should just be responsible and are perfectly capable of making choices themselves. If you want to take risk, it's okay. Just make sure that you will not regret all the consequences that follows. Everything has a cause and effect you see. And the government is one big irony churner. Giving baby bonus and then trying to tell people not to have sex. Cause and effect. Haha. What if everyone grew up being conditioned to think that sex is wrong and dirty and thus practise abstinence? The population is sure gonna collapse man. And think of it this way, humans are categorised under animals, meaning, we have survival instincts and producing off springs is one of them. And after a year of analysing the character Angelo in Shakespeare's Measure for Measure, I have learned that the harder one tries to surpress something, the worst it will be when it was finally unleashed. Yeah. Just think about it.

Alright...I'm starting to talk rubbish. I'm still trying to figure out all the blogspot functions so this template might stay for a while. I learnt a new word recently...FUBAR. A wonderful acromyn for..... Ask me if you wanna know. =)

Welcome

2006-02-24T21:34:00.000+08:00

Finally. I have crumbled to my temptations by setting up another blog. Diary-x has decided to ignore me for now and being a net addict, I have decided to set up another blog to satisfy my blogging cravings. There you have it. The creation of The Workings Of A Skeptico. Stay tune for more updates and outrageous views.